THESAURUS for SADNESS: unhappiness, sorrow, dejection, depression, misery, despondency, despair, desolation, wretchedness, gloom, gloominess, dolefulness, melancholy, mournfulness, woe, heartache, grief; the blues.
Some days are not so sad although I don't know why. Some mornings I just wake up sad. Often the pity party lasts all day. On occasion I have a great day then get desolate because there is no one to hug goodnight. But it didn't occur to me that I was "depressed." I thought it was the mourning. Grief. Bereavement. Sadness.
I don't stay in bed all day. I do shower, brush my teeth, comb my hair and usually put on a bit of makeup. I get myself out of the house at least once a day. But I still feel so horribly sad. About anything and everything, not just my life. I had to MAKE MYSELF do these things. I didn't want to.
I don't stay in bed all day. I do shower, brush my teeth, comb my hair and usually put on a bit of makeup. I get myself out of the house at least once a day. But I still feel so horribly sad. About anything and everything, not just my life. I had to MAKE MYSELF do these things. I didn't want to.
In the past, I was an optimist. An extrovert. Most of my family and friends would agree. These past weeks have been the total opposite. Despite my best efforts I can not get off the top rung of the sadness ladder. It is intense.
So I took myself to see my doctor. She spent a long time chatting about anxiety and depression. She also explained that it is often a chemical imbalance combined with a life shattering event. I felt a bit less like a crybaby and agreed to try medication. They are not instant happy pills (which I could really use!) but over the next month, I should gradually be able to see the glass filling up.
With champagne!
P.S. Thank you to my family and my friends for sticking with me through this down and out phase. I know it's not easy for you guys either. A special thank you to my widow friends who always reassure me that whatever I'm going through is "normal" and with time, life will be alright again.
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ReplyDeleteIt will get better. I believe the sadness is one step up from grief. We've accepted what will never be the same again but we still haven't figured out how fill the hole that left behind. Who wouldn't be sad over that?
ReplyDeleteYour doctor is right about the chemical imbalance that can happen with a life-shattering event. Just make sure you don't stay on it too long--2-3 months tops. Once the imbalance has resolved itself then you don't want to risk getting emotionally depend on the chemicals. Some grief processing stuff you just have to go through, not postpone which can happen if you stay on the 'happy meds' too long.
Postponing isn't healing.
Oh, Jean! Now I feel like maybe I'm making progress ... one step up from grief. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI have been on Celexa in the past so I am hopeful it is not forever. Again. I just have to invest the time .....
I think Celexa is one of the safest of the mood altering drugs on the market.
ReplyDeleteI also think that we widows want so much to move through the grieving process as fast as possible, to put it behind us, that we get unreasonably impatience with ourselves. You haven't even been through a full year of holidays yet and those are going to be trigger points for set backs. The first year is all about acceptance and the second year is all about rebuilding.
Grief is raw and bitter. Sadness is more like a numbness, a resignation and definitely process on the widowhood road. You are right on track.
I think that it has a lot to do with the holiday season. Everyone around is cheerful and looking forward to something when I just want to jump over all the holidays until February.
ReplyDeleteI just passed my 2 year mark and have to face another Thanksgiving which was my husband's favorite holiday. I loved to cook a big meal and he loved to eat it.
I'm grateful to be going out of town (actually out of the country) for the holiday. I'm going to Japan to see my son and family and a grandson that I haven't seen since he was 3 weeks old.
So now I have something to look forward to.
Oops, that should have read "definitely progress" not "process" on the widowhood road.
ReplyDeleteThank you Frannie. The holidays will be rough. And the smaller other celebrations of relationships will be rough. It's hard to grasp that new traditions will be substituted. That's SOO exciting to being going to Japan! How long will you be away?
ReplyDeleteJean ~ I think I am lucky that Celexa works so well for me. And you are so right ... NUMBNESS is more like it. And I feel guilty that I feel so numb. About everything! I can't wait to get my groove back.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement and optimism!