- You are grieving too much.
- You are not grieving enough.
- You are going to replace your bedroom furniture, right? (heck no! It's less than 3 years old. And VERY comfy)
- Have you thought of joining a singles club?
- Don't worry, my neighbor remarried in under two years.
- Don't you think you are crying too much?
- You need to find a church, so you can have a local "family"
- I bet you feel so relieved to no longer be a caregiver
- You should be seeing a therapist.
- You should go to group therapy.
- Have you thought about Match.com?
- When are you going to lose weight and get a make over?
- I don't think you are moving on with your life.
- How is your grieving going? (as compared to ???)
- You'd probably feel better if you would cry more often.
May I suggest one short sentence when you know someone who has had a great loss? Simply say "I'm so sorry for your loss." And if someone says these words to you (sorry for your loss) ... remember to say "thank you for your kind words."
A widow friend of my was on match.com within two months of losing her husband. I didn't understand that but I kept my mouth shout. That's really hard to do no matter what side of grief you're on---the friend or the widow.
ReplyDeleteWhen people say to me: "I'm sorry for your loss" I always say back, "Me too." Saying 'thank you' rings hollow out of my mouth. LOL
What a great reply! Me too.
ReplyDeleteFor a moment (not really), I thought maybe something was wrong with me that it absolutely has not occurred to me to consider dating. It DOES bother me when people start dating so soon after a loss. To each his own.
I haveo now joined a dating website. Guess what... They don't measure up to my Tom.
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed! A bold step!! I'm not sure about this phase for me! YOU are much younger!!!
ReplyDeleteAccording to our pastoral care minister at my church, men are very, very likely to remarry, not just date, within six months of the death of their spouse. It's extremely common, she says. It seems so odd, doesn't it? Why is it like that, I wonder? Do men really hate being alone or is that they have a deep need to give or belong or be loved or be held ... or, what?
ReplyDeleteWomen typically wait much longer. I've forgotten the stats.
My pastor says that those quick marriages often fail. Suppose so!
Would Russ have remarried that fast had the tables been turned? No idea.
Our friend Bill started dating a woman within six months of his wife's sudden passing ... and the new woman is just great! He wasn't looking and then someone introduced them and then ... bingo! She fits so nicely into his life and it's lovely to see. I think his sons are fine with her now but his step kids are struggling.
No matter what you do, someone will find a reason to object, I suppose.
I met Stephen just 7-1/2 mos later and he just fell into my lap, sort of. It wasn't like dating at all because he lived so far away and we had met just briefly while competing at dragon boat races in Taiwan. We chatted and then shared Email addresses. Ours began as a series of 250 Emails that became increasingly incredibly fun to read and write. Written correspondence morphed months later into Skype and months after that into actually meeting up again ... this time with his brother's family in Thailand ... and now ... after many visits back and forth ... to England to meet his mother, adult kids and all the siblings ... to now, nearly two years later ... we realize we've got a real honest-to-goodness serious romance.
Who would've thought it at our age? Me, 65. He, 69.
I would never, ever have wanted to date like I did in my 20s. Now like folks do today ... Match.com ... eHarmony ... your photo on a website ... ickky. Though many do it and have liked it a lot.
Not my comfort zone.
Some found fault with all of my new relationship ... "You've done a disservice to Russ' memory" and "You can replace your Lover but we can never replace our (fill in the blank___)"
Really ... until you've walked in someone else's shoes, you've no idea!
I had a vision soon after I met Stephen. In it, Russ was standing right behind Stephen as if he were on a tall step stool. And, he was smiling and pointing his finger down at Stephen and with his eyes silently saying to me, "This one. This is a good man! You can trust him!"
Unfortunately, not everyone in my family or circle had finished their own grieving and loss of Russ and so weren't too prepared for my choice. Too bad. Even if I'd found someone else after the respectable "one year" or even longer, some would never have understood, I think. Besides, I am convinced God brought us together and cannot explain it any other way. Neither can Stephen so we both feel equally blessed.
Anyway, the ones whom I most hoped would be comfortable were my three kids ... and they are. So, that's truly wonderful!
Being a widow is hard work. I hate a lot of it! I hate losing some old friends and estranging others. I hate having had to rebuild and sort myself out and learn how to do things I didn't have to do before. I hate being without Russ and his strengths and love and ... all of it ... I miss the whole package, the whole lifestyle.
Being a widow is ... also a chance for a new beginning. So, I also began to love some of it! I love the successes I've made in learning how to do those things I never understood before. I love that I've grown to be more understanding of those in need and to fathom how short life is and to take the moments and LIVE EACH ONE FULLY.
ReplyDeleteI love that I can and did move forward to rebuild and make my life happy, again. I like that these things make my kids happy, too, because they don't have to interact with a sad, depressed, confused widow like I was in the beginning. We can have fun together.
I love that now I am strong enough to have leftover emotional energy to help others. For a long, long time ... I was emotionally absent because I was so completely drained.
Not everyone saw and understood that ... when I wasn't so much around for my daughter after her son was born. Wow! I was thrilled but couldn't connect ... I felt empty back then. Like a passive person who only looked active on the outside ... I was so numb inside!
I grieved while multi-tasking ... building a new life while still puzzling, seething with pain and fretting over the loss of the past one!
Sigh ... the grief still lurks but Russ' memory rides alongside me like a silent spirit encouraging me onward. Now I can smile when I think of him when before all I could do was cry.
Dear Janna ~ THANK YOU! You really should write a blog too! You have ALWAYS been so great with words. Your newspaper column, your genealogy, your Caring Bridge ....
ReplyDeleteAnd you beat me to the punch about how you and Stephen met!! I hope I can imitate your terrific attitude about not really caring what other people think or say. We both know Russ is happiest when you are happy.
So I know Ralph will be just the same!