The Good, The Bad and the UGLY
Ralph has been estranged from his 40+ year old son for over twenty years. I’m pretty sure neither of them even remember what the tiff was about. Oh well.
Two months before he died, when he stopped all treatment, Ralph asked that I call and cancel all future guests who were coming to Maui. He didn’t want people “to see him like this”. It was a difficult and awkward position to be in, canceling friends’ vacation plans. One of these was his eldest daughter, Janet. She made a compelling case that she wanted to visit her Dad one last time. And so she came.
We have never been a very close family. I am the second wife. He was married for 27 years prior to me. Janet was in college and Mike was finishing high school. We bought their family home as the ex kept lowering the price weekly. In my mind, maybe the mother said a few disparaging remarks about me. Whatever. Janet never warmed up to me and though she lives just 45 minutes from us in Oregon, we got together maybe twice a year. To give and receive gifts.
When she arrived, she asked her Dad to call her brother and make amends. Ralph had been quite stubborn about reaching out in the past, but during the 4-5 years prior, had asked Janet for contact information for her brother. She always refused. Saying Mike “was just not ready yet.” Curiously, apparently NOW he was. Ralph suggested that she let Mike know that he could call his Dad. He has had the same phone number for 30 years. Until three years ago, the same address. He was the one who could not make contact.
Janet was very upset saying Mike would not make the first move. If his Dad refused, Mike would be devastated for the rest of his life. Please, Dad. Call him. He did not. Nor did Mike take that very important step and call him.
Before she arrived, I asked Ralph to gently bring up the topic of his will to be sure Janet understood that he was not bequeathing any money to her (or her brother or our daughter together), but providing for my livelihood. I reassured her that upon my death, should there be anything left, I would leave some to her.
Her face dropped. A million miles. She began to cry. Then to wail. (Yes, a 50+ year old woman wailing in my living room ... If I had not been there, I would never have believed it.)
She just “wanted to be acknowledged” was her plea. Huh? But, he was so kind and so calm and so loving, and explained that he did "acknowledge" her as his first born daughter. He loves her. He’s proud of her. All the universal reassurances possible. He was drained and excused himself to bed.
And then the devil showed up. Janet told me that making this trip to say goodbye was a huge step for her, following years of therapy. She informed me that her Dad had abused her as a child. Verbally. Emotionally. Pyschologically. Physically. WHAT? This man does not have a mean bone in his body. I’ve lived with him for almost 30 years. Not possible. Well, she spat out, he’s different with you. He’s happy.
I asked to her STOP talking. It isn’t true and I would never believe a word of it. If any of this HAD happened, why didn’t she tell her Mom? Why, her Mom was there but what could SHE do? He was bigger than her.
9-1-1. That’s what she could have done.
P.S. I think she knows I will not be leaving her one darned cent. Maybe the therapist will refund her money.
What a sad story. Long standing estrangements are often like that...where people forget what started the feud and both parties are too stubborn to make the first move. But everyone should have a chance to set things right before they die. Even if it doesn't work out the way some might like it to, trying is still better than wishing you'd had and can no longer do. Ralph's son has to live with that.
ReplyDeleteAs for the daughter... People can and do chance over time. If someone was a heavy drinker, for example, when they were very young and trying to raise a couple of little kids in an unhappy marriage they can do and say things they don't talk about later in life. Someone in my own family had issues with physical abusing his first wife but he was as good as gold with his second. His second wife never believed the abuse took place but his kids were affected by it none the less. The second wife never knew the hard drinking unhappy man he had been when he was living with a woman who knew how to push his buttons and who used his kids to make him feel trapped. Sadly, life is not always black and white. Good memories can fade and bad memories can get blown out of proportion over time when people don't learn to forgive and move on.
Thanks for commenting. He probably was different in his past life ... younger and climbing the corporate ladder. He traveled a lot. But didn't drink except socially. So it really is hard for me to find even a sliver of truth to the abuse allegations. I doubt we will keep in touch. I have tried twice but it was very awkward. She is not in touch at all with her half sister or Kate's son, Braeden. She's met him once and he's almost three.
ReplyDeleteYou know .. you just can't pick your family or your neighbors. You CAN pick your friends!
I'm certainly glad you picked me!
ReplyDeleteI have the same issue with my husband's oldest daughter. She was cannon again off again problem throughout our hears together. Now we have silently gone our separate ways. It's for the best I think.
You are right, Cindy. Sometimes the best thing that can happen is to silently go your own ways. You just can't hit it off with everybody! That's why I have you!
ReplyDeleteI am so GLAD neither Don or I had former spouses to contend with. The role of a second spouse always comes with baggage. And you are right about going your own way. No reason to force a relationship with anyone once the connection that brought you together has passed away.
ReplyDeleteIt was interesting to try to have some kind of relationship with his kids, because even though he was an EXhusband, he was still a Dad. But both kids were never very close with us. I like to think it was because WE were so happy together ... and they didn't see that with their parents.
ReplyDeleteMike lived with us for a few years (last year of high school and one year before starting college). It wasn't easy. We let him know in high school how much we could afford each year to help him with college. Not much effort on his part to get a summer job. Imagine his surprise when he discovered we were true to our word and he could NOT start college that year. "Mom says it's in the divorce decree that you have to pay for my college". Oh my lord ....