But I don't feel lonely. Alone, but not lonely. I enjoy my alone time. Really! I don't feel compelled to have ten things scheduled every day. Sometimes I choose alone rather than a social invitation. It takes the right frame of mind to be an "only" in a party full of couples. Once in a while I prefer not to attend a gathering with a group of ladies. Usually it's when I feel like being around groups of people drains me, rather than recharges me. Old age or introvert?
It's not like I get a lot done in my alone time! I don't have the inclination to be very productive and with three weeks left in Paradise, the motivation is even less. For this first year of widowhood, I am happy to be social on Facebook, play online games with siblings and friends, phone friends for one on one conversations, read and walk in the sunshine... then back on the laptop again. I'm busy enough finding health insurance, sweating medical test results, having friends be house guests, just living life.
In our past, we entertained large groups (sometimes up to 100!!!)(how did I do that?) and I loved it. Hindsight? I always had a "job" to do ... offering food or drinks, replenishing the appetizers, throwing away trash. Now, when I attend a party ... my only job is to chat and have fun. It is empowering for me to know I can say yes or no to an invitation. I just have to pull out my widow card, and they (usually) back off. Geez I wonder when that will wear off?
For now ... I'm alone, but not lonely. And I seem to prefer small groups!!
I'm glad you're find a balance that is working for you. Know thy self, as they say, is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteAnd ... myself is always morphing. But maybe because my hearing is getting worse or maybe because my mind is moving slower ... smaller is better!
DeleteI, too, recognized that my hearing was starting to make being in a crowd harder and less enjoyable. I didn't want to become that old person who people quit talking to because they had to work too hard to get me to understand. Aids made a difference.
ReplyDeleteOh! I didn't know you got the aids!! How long did it take you to feel comfortable with them? They are on my list of things to get done in Portland! SOON!
DeleteWhat a cool attitude. My experience playing the widow card? The first year - lots of soulful sympathy. The second year - understanding with a touch of commiseration. The third year - pity and disguised tolerance. From then on, well, I played it only if I didn't let on how many years out I was!
ReplyDeleteWell dang! When that ploy wears off, I'll start using the "I'm a Curmudgeonly Crone" scenario. Stay tuned ....
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