Dear Mr. Ralph ~
Thank you for teaching me about death and dying. You accepted your fate way better than I would have expected, and way better than I could have. I think we were better off not knowing your expiration date so that we could just enjoy each day as we were blessed with it. Towards the end, though, when the first words you uttered were “shit, I’m still here”, I kinda felt maybe you weren’t happy to see me! Thank you for changing ... and saying “good morning, sunshine” and then “shit, I’m still here.”
For me, it was such a blessing that you didn’t put yourself through any more radiation than you did ... and no chemotherapy. Maybe you could have have had a few more months or a couple of years but from what I’ve seen of others who have made those choices ... your quality of life would just suck. You are such a smart man! Mr. Independent.
The best part, though, is just how much having a sense of humor helped. It made our last few months so darned normal. We could laugh and not feel guilty. Like when you asked me to (get up and) get you a Coke and I suggested that your legs were not painted on you quickly retorted “but I have bone cancer!”. We could have a disagreement (every once in a while you WERE wrong) and I was confident that I hadn’t shortened your life (by much).
In hindsight, the greatest gift is that I am now able to call and chat with my friends who are dying. If you hadn’t shared your experience with me, that just being normal is OK when someone is dying, I don’t think I would have the nerve to call and chat with Alice and Jan. Now I try to have a conversation every other week or so while they lead the conversation. If they want to vent, I’m all ears. If they want some gossip ... I give them the scoop. Sometimes they even want my opinion based on your journey. I give it freely. Usually we simply catch up on hubbies, children and especially grandchildren. Dying IS normal. Just seems like it’s coming too soon for so many.
Love you!
It sounds like your husband had a great attitude and good sense of humor in his final days and that's a wonderful take-away for you to have.
ReplyDeleteThe BEST of him came out those last few months. He was flooded with correspondence when I posted on Facebook that there were just days left. Of course, he had to make a liar of me and gave us another 6 weeks (because of hospice angels!). But he was awed that he got to hear/read what usually only the widow would hear at the funeral. It was stunning.
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