HALLOWEEN (Happy or Not)

For years I lived in a neighborhood where trick or treating was just too much work.  Up and down steep, curvy hills and the houses were far apart from each other.  In Oregon, it was also usually rather bad weather.  So we never got kids begging for candy (well, sometimes the neighbors ... 2 or 3 maximum).

Halloween in Maui is a BIG deal.  Our little neighborhood is the mecca for trick or treating.  It is flat.  We have sidewalks.  And the houses are very very close together.  It never rains (or snows). Last year was the first time we were on Maui for this holiday.  

Lots of people decorate their homes.  Several spend the whole month putting up stuff.  One city (Lahaina) has a giant outdoor party (often referred to as the Mardi Gras of the Pacific) where you can take a bus to and from ... if you enjoy the crazy madness of 30,000 out of control costumed alcohol controlled people.

We were advised by neighbors to have enough candy for 350+ children.  And we used every little speck of sugar on hand!  The young ones were so cute with many accompanied by parents who were also in costume!  The teenagers without costumes were annoying.  I resent giving them anything.  

Mr. Ralph had such fun sitting in the driveway with me.  He must have taken a photo of each and every person who came up to get candy.  Even asking their costumed parents to come closer so his iPhone would work.  We laughed and chatted and reminisced about our Halloweens past.  The neighborhood shuts down the candy at promptly 8:00 pm so then we joined our fun neighbors for a glass of wine.  And to watch their three beautiful kids reach a sugar high!

This year I'm going to join one of the parties or maybe hand out candy with a neighbor.  It's just not going to be the same.

Second Guesses, Second Firsts

Every time I make a decision, not matter how large or how small, I end up making myself sick with anxiety second guessing.  Honestly!  Where have I gone?  I was the blond, confident oldest daughter of six kids.  The first to move out of state.  The only one to get a divorce.  I started a ladies investment club (after reading about the Beardstown Ladies) knowing NOTHING about stocks or investing.  Sheesh!  Where am I?

Maybe this is awkwardly normal for widows?  It is for me.  Luckily I am giving myself permission to change my mind.  Family and friends are seriously shaking their heads these days.  But this too shall pass.

And now to have second firsts.  My first venture in buying a car on my own (for the Portland condo).  Actually, probably a minivan because they are so easy to get in and out of.  And with grandson(s), easier for car seats and booster seats and me getting inside out of the rain to get them buckled into said car seats.  My first time ever buying a bed (I gave away our old king bed that has been in storage in Portland)(it had two permanent burrows). My first new holiday celebrations.  Obviously they are not going to be traditions as I will probably be doing holidays in Portland from now on.

Things to do, places to see.  Second guesses and second firsts.

ALMOST OVERWHELMING

Widowhood is a wild roller coaster ride of emotions.  Just when i think I have myself together, I go on a crying jag.

Today is grandson Braeden's third birthday.  Kate and Jesse are having a small family get together at Chuck E. Cheese, with Jesse's Mom, his brother and wife and their three kids.  Part of me is glad they chose a noisy happy place.  Maybe it will drown out my sadness.

Because today I am remembering the past two birthdays with Poppa's little man.  With Poppa.  His big booming voice, his big booming presence.  His utter infatuation with Braeden.  They were two peas in a pod.  He would choose a birthday gift that I didn't really think was appropriate for the age.  And it was always the thing that Braeden loved best.  A DVD movie of Cars when he was one.  Yet his Mom would play it every night at bedtime for him to fall asleep to.

Age two was huge, noisy battery powered heavy equipment replicas.  Yep.  He figured out how to turn them on and get all three of them going up and down our hallway.  This year I bought him a big boy bed from Ikea.

I think Poppa would have approved (even if it doesn't make noise!)

Here's the sad part.  I am overwhelmed by thoughts of what Mr. Ralph is missing.  The holidays will never be the same and I wonder if I should even bother decorating.  Maybe I can simply pretend Christmas is merely a Wednesday this year.  It will be easier in Maui since the weather will be warm and there doesn't seem to be as much decorating the outside of homes (unlike Halloween ... which is really big on the island).

I just miss him and his presence so much.  Not sure what MY traditions will be from now on.  Wicked awkward widowhood.

THE FIRST HOLIDAYS

My first solo Thanksgiving in 40 years is on the horizon.  My Maui "foodie" friend approached me a few weeks ago about joining forces.  My sister is trying with all her might to get me to visit Louisville ... and kindly keep me for 3+ weeks.  My daughter and little family think I should return to Portland.  

Last year Ralph and I and our friend, Thor, went to Mama's Fish House on Maui.  THE best and most scenic restaurant I've ever been to.  We then hosted a traditional meal a day later with about five friends.  I love cooking and I love entertaining.  It was a win/win in 2012.

But after canceling with Leslie, I contacted her today and now we are back on.  Whew!!  She loves to cook as much as I do and so far, I have been relegated to crudites and a vegetable dish.  She is a gluten free baker AND wants to roast the turkey, make the stuffing and homemade bread!  I hope it's at my house so I can smell it all day.

Oh.  And I'm also in charge of the wine!

AWKWARD and NEW

Yep, I'm still in Portland and tonight I got together with some fabulous ladies ... most of whom I met playing Bunco (which I hate).  We did NOT play Bunco but shared some wine, some conversation and a few tidbits.  We sat sort of in a circle around a coffee table in my condo clubhouse room, so I asked each friend to catch me up on her life.

WOW!  Loss, love and laughter.  New grandchildren.  Downsizing.  Still employed.  Retirement.  A small stroke.  Travel.  New love (she's been a widow for four years!).  I am simply in awe of having these friendships.  Several for over thirty years.

Two others are also widows.  I loved hearing how they muddled their own ways.  What journeys we have.  But now I feel more confident that I will survive.  Somehow. It's just a lot of perseverance.  

It is still so awkward for me.  It is still so new.  So raw.  So sad.  So lonely.  So empty.  I feel like I am just taking baby steps but at least they are steps.

UNWITTING WIDOWS

Oh my gosh.

My widow friend (five years since her hubby passed) finally found true love in August 2012.  She found him on Match.com.  Ralph and I both met him, and I have been to dinner with the two of them since.  A financial planner with charm, wit and intelligence.  

Until about a month ago when Therese let me know she was concerned.  He was spending less time with her and when he did, he was too tired to be much fun.  Coincidentally, she confided she had lent him money.  RED FLAG.


Rather than pry and ask her a lot of questions, I simply let her unfold the story at her own pace.  I'm so sad.  She started "lending" him money very early in the relationship.  Modest amounts with such logical reasons ... his car needed tires.  Dental work.  An apartment move so he could be closer to her.  Then the back taxes.  Which were a way bigger chunk of change.  It was simply a matter of cash flow, he said.  She never asked to see any receipts.  She put the cash in his account instead of paying the vendor directly.  OOOPS.  In less than a year the total was over $100,000.00.  No promissory note(s).  No change to his will to cover that amount.  A lot of empty promises, though!

The sad part is that she is not employed.  He still is!  She should have been "borrowing" from him!  But she drained her 401(k) ... which I am sure would cause him to lose his financial planning status/license knowing that she did that.

Then she snooped through his text messages and email.  Yep.  You guessed.  He had started seeing another widow.  And asking her for a bit of cash flow.  He was using Therese's money to set up his next victim.

Yet she is still "in love" with him.  Maybe they can work through this.

Yeh.  Right.  

A MILESTONE

This week I have been able to say Ralph's name, talk about him, as well as discuss all my indecision about life ... without crying!  I didn't think I'd live to see the day.  Almost always I tear up (and even choke a little) when people ask me anything about him or life without him.  This is such a GOOD thing.  I want to talk about him and hear others memories.  And laugh about him!

The sunshine has been out in full force in Oregon since I arrived.  It's just a tease as the horrible cold wet six months is on its way.  Having lived here for 30 years, I still remember to embrace every sun break because they are so fleeting.  July, August, September are Oregon's best weather.  Ralph and I would leave our island paradise to enjoy the best of the best in Portland.

I'm seriously thinking of investing in waterproof comfortable walking shoes, a mid calf rain coat with hood (instead of umbrella) and some gloves.

And moving back to the mainland for a while.