GRIEF

Today at the Doctor's office, I had the time and opportunity to read a great article in Time Magazine (April 2013).  The Mystery of Animal Grief.  It was interesting (I kinda knew about elephants and dolphins) and one point that was made is how their grieving is not as long as humans because they have so much to do to just live.  Not having a job, or even a demanding volunteer position, or even a hobby ... might just be part of my problem.  

I need to get busy.  Busier.  It's interesting that I'm going to have to put some effort into this.  Pre-widowhood I often felt like I was TOO busy.  So I feel confident I can get myself back on track.  

This afternoon I called a widow friend and invited her to coffee.  I looked up the phone number for the local meals on wheels so I can call.  Just now my neighbor friends popped in to see if I would like to do some part time work for acquaintances who have started a local guide for people vacationing with handicaps.  Wow!  Is that right up my alley or what?  Maybe a Facebook presence and a blog or a website.  And it's something I can do from wherever I am.  

I think the elephants, dolphins, horses, dogs and other mourning animals are on to something.

HUMOR

During this sad emotional journey, I think it would be therapeutic for me to have more humor in my life.  I enjoy a good sense of humor.  I think I have one.  So maybe if I can add a little more to my life, it might just help me through.

Don't you just love the laughter of a child?  Who can be sad when listening to that?  I can't remember how I happened upon a YouTube video of a Dad (with the invented name of Arturo Trejo) interviewing his one year old son.  

Fortunately, he does lots of videos with his little son (now 4, I think).  I just rewatched the one year old interview and laughed out loud.  Again!  I need to put a reminder on my calendar to watch one.  He also has a Facebook page at Mr. Arturo Trejo.  What a hoot.

We oldsters also have a comedienne (or two) that tickle my fancy.  Have you ever watched Mary Maxwell?  I think she's in her early 70's.  She has the perfect dry delivery and chooses relevant (to me) topics.  Oh my goodness she can make me laugh.  You may also want to try Jeanne Robertson.  Comedy with a southern drawl.

OK.  I feel better now.  Time for a little Restaurant Impossible before I hit the hay.

VULNERABLE

Vulnerable.  This is the most uncomfortable of all feelings for me.  Susceptible.  Worried.  Not in control.  And this is EXACTLY how I feel right now.

Once you have a loss, you take the time to learn about grief.  Some say there are five stages, some say there are seven.  Whatever.  Even though I had a couple of years to get through the "anger" stage (as we heard the diagnosis aggressive prostate cancer in 2010) the rest of the stages seem never ending.  Denial and isolation.  Bargaining.  Depression.  Acceptance.  Apparently these stages do not necessarily arrive in any order.  There is no time limit on getting through any of these.

But nobody mentioned this vulnerable stuff.

A kind friend recently turned me on to Brene Brown.  I've listened to her TED Houston talk.  I "liked" her Facebook page. I enjoy learning from her.  

I think sometimes what I need is a big hug.  And a bit of courage.

DINING OUT

Dining out solo is hard for me.  It sometimes seems a stigma.

stig·ma noun

1. a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.
   
   "the stigma of mental disorder"

1. synonyms:

1. shame, disgrace, dishonor, ignominy, opprobrium, humiliation, (bad) reputation 

Really, it shouldn't feel like a stigma. Lots of people go out as couples but don't really seem to talk too much.  So singles ... whether divorced, widowed, on a business trip, or enjoying a well deserved moment of solitude ... should not be looked at with any raised eyebrows.

I enjoy food, at home as well as out and about.  But cooking for one isn't nearly as much fun as cooking for several. Or cooking for my love.  Yeh, my friend Nancy (also a widow) loaned me a couple of cookbooks "for one".  And lots of my great meals include a fabulous salad and something from my grill.  Yet I often yearn for someone else to do the shopping, chopping, cooking, serving and cleaning up.  Sometimes I can round up a friend to venture out with me.  Sometimes I just want to do a spur of the moment.  Sometimes I want to go somewhere expensive and no one wants to spend their money that way.  

Honestly?  Dining out is the closest thing to a hobby I have right now.  I enjoy dining out.  I savor delicious tidbits accompanied by a nice glass of wine.

Is there a special magic fairy who can bippity boppity boo me into feeling more comfortable dining solo?  Until then, thank goodness for my iPhone!

HOLIDAY VISITORS

Wonderful news for the Awkward Widow.

My good friend Gina is flying over the night before Thanksgiving (almost midnight!) and staying for a week.  A few years ago she discovered she is allergic/intolerant of gluten, dairy, eggs and cane sugar.  Which might sound like we might have a boring dinner.  But NO!  She is a total gourmet foodie.  Leslie and Didier have already agreed to join forces for this holiday and she is also gluten free (in fact a GF baker here on Maui).  So we are going to rock it!  In fact, they want to do ALL the food and have relegated me to crudites, a vegetable side dish and wine. Best.  Deal.  Ever!

Two days ago, a long term friend in Portland called to say "remember when we talked about me coming to Maui" ... well, M'Linda (her adult daughter) and I are coming for Christmas.  Actually, I didn't remember any serious arrangements but gosh am I happy!  Now I have a built in holiday party ... for a whole week.  

I think Mr. Ralph and the cosmos have teamed up to help me through this first set of holidays.

Thanks, buddy!

SIX MONTHS on my own

Today marks the the six month anniversary of Mr. Ralph's death.  In some ways, it seems like just yesterday we were sipping coffee on our back deck planning our day.  Mostly it feels like the most confusing whirlwind of emotions.  When people ask how I'm doing, I can honestly say as well as expected.  Because I have learned to not expect any thing.  Each day is what it is.

I do notice that I have more happy moments than I used to.  So all the talk of time helping to heal my broken heart might just be true.  I'm pretty sure there will always be a big scar but eventually it may stop hurting if it heals properly.

Some widow friends talk about seeing or feeling their husbands.  I am pretty skeptical about that although I often get signs that Mr. Ralph is nearby.  Yesterday I got my hair cut (yes, and colored) and Lesa was so excited to show me something on her iPhone.  Oh, how the universe works!  She is thinking of replacing her seven year old car and was looking online when she discovered an Acura of Maui commercial ...

http://youtu.be/5VEXDchZOV8

with a small glimpse of my very handsome guy proclaiming he loves Acura.  (I was seriously thinking of trading in the MDX for something smaller but I think that was an omen to just keep the big SUV!!!!)

Tonight I'll raise a toast of his favorite single malt Scotch, Oban.  To a wonderful man, husband, dad and friend.  Join me!

BINGING

This should NOT be a word used in the same sentence with me.  But I am taking the very first step and admitting I have a problem.  I am binge-watching TV shows on Netflix.

Every evening I start out with good intentions.  How about one of those books I've started but haven't finished?  Tonight's the night I will call a friend just to wish her well and listen to what's going on in her life.  Maybe zone out on Pinterest to help me decide how to decorate the widow's den?

Instead, I choose to watch commercial free junk TV.  Oh, my sister is cringing!  They don't even own a TV (well, actually, I think they do but it is only on to watch a movie ... something outside the box, most likely with subtitles, that is worth discussing over a nice aged sherry.  With other erudite folks).  Maybe most of you are recoiling at the admittance of such a low intellectual hobby.  There it is.

For now, this is working pretty well for me.  My mind is still unable to focus on much, for very long.  Most days I do reach out and connect with the human race.  Some days I choose to be a recluse.  A hermit.  A solitarian.  An introvert.

An awkward widow.  Time will help, I'm sure.