CONTROL ISSUES

We all have control issues.  

Based on my experience, when we lose a spouse we feel the need to have ALL the control over everything!  Because in reality we are not in control of even our basic emotions.

I'm moving forward and am making great progress (in my opinion, of course) towards living in the present and planning for the future.  Still, I do get unsolicited advice from even the dearest of friends.  Most of the time I can gently smile, nod my head and forget about it.  There are times when I really want to say "why on earth do you feel the need to say these things?"!!!!  It doesn't help matters or sway me to change something ... and it's just a bit mean spirited!  Most of all, it is just YOUR opinion.

That's when I mentally put the above photo clip up in my mind.  Lots of people think living with my kidult and her family is not a good thing for me.  Actually, I feel it is a GREAT thing ... for all of us, especially for me.  We all pitch in with chores although they do the bulk of things.  I love being with the babies, especially when I can have some one on one time.  Family meals are so much more pleasant than eating alone ... and I am eating better!  (Since joining Weight Watchers, I am down 10 pounds ... simply fill 3/4 my plate with salad and vegetables, then have a scoop of whatever they are having).

I'm never lonely yet when I want to be totally alone, I can go to our air conditioned club house or to a coffee shop or the library.  They do most of the cooking and dishes, but if I ask ahead of time, they are happy to let me!  I get to pack Braeden's lunch for camp which brings back memories of packing Kate's.   In fact, she asked if she could pack his and then Jesse wanted to do one day as well.

I definitely get more exercise having Mr. Camo Man to hike with.  Can't really run after Deacon but we read books, blow bubbles or play with water on the patio.  LOTS of swimming.

I feel like I am in CONTROL of my life.  Maybe this wouldn't work for my dear friends but I am glad it works for us.  They have a great deal on rent and I have a room for visiting often.  No one is "using" the other.  

Thanks for the advice.  Don't be upset that I don't heed it!

A GOOD FOUNDATION

Nothing is more important than a good foundation.  In a home.  In a relationship.  In your body.  As I am now finding out.

The knees are getting replaced.  Who knew they were already bone on bone for the last many months.  I must have a high pain tolerance.  My family and friends have been so kind to listen to my complaining ... but apparently it was REAL.  Now to get to the nit picking.  My feet.

Yesterday I went to a second podiatrist because I can't wear shoes.  I have been wearing good solid flip flops with arch support for the past two years.  But the bunions continue to grow (gee they are so ugly!) and now I have a hammertoe on a second toe.  Last year I had pain in between the bunion joint and the hammertoe.  GP sent me to the foot doctor at his same clinic who gave me a cortisone shot and said all was well.  When I asked my Dr. this year about seeing a podiatrist because I am unable to wear shoes, he again suggested the foot doctor at his same clinic.  I asked if he was also a surgeon (he's not), he gave me the name of someone else.  Why pay one guy to refer me to another guy.

Yesterday I met with Dr. Tillett.  Now I am pretty mad at podiatrist #1.  Things have progressed so that now the surgery to correct things is MAJOR.  Apparently wearing custom orthotics can slow down the process.  Once the separation of bones is larger than 16 degrees, a WEDGE of bone must be removed in order to "tip" the big toe towards the middle of your foot.  Then a chunk of bone cut off the bunion side and pins/screws put into place.  UGH.

What should have been "Easy Bunion Surgery":

Now will have to be something like:

You do note the slicing and dicing?  I'm thinking PAIN!  Also, 6-8 weeks without any pressure on the foot.  Yikes.  My poor kids will be stuck with me next year for the second knee replacement and hopefully, if nothing gets worse with my "foundation", the following year for toe work!

Growing older with arthritis and inherited tendencies is NOT for sissies.

GRIEF CURVE

Most days in this third year after loss are OK.  Memories without tears.  Brain freezes are fewer.  Getting things a bit more organized.  Emotions seem controllable (well, except when Braeden says "I really really miss Poppa.  He was a great guy: .....)

Then I came upon this bell curve on Facebook!

This just seems to sum it up!  Panic has subsided for me.  I'm working on the loneliness although we will see how that goes once I'm back in Maui living alone.  One of my best foodie friends is LEAVING the island!  Several buddies are snow birds so I'll have them for half the year.

According to the graph .... I am on my way up!

FINDING OUT

This is exactly what happens.  EVERYTHING is gone.  I don't even have anyone to banter with.

I had 30 minutes to myself today while having my (first) MRI.  (Did you know knees are custom made?  I've never had anything custom!!)  Who knows why, but I spent the time thinking about Mr. Ralph. Probably because of how many MRIs he had to have.  They are only bad news in my humble opinion.  Now my knee hurts because he had to turn it to make it straight enough for the MRI.  

Missing the income is a horrible pain in the butt.  But not life threatening.  We planned for retirement and saved what we thought was enough, but at the rate I am spending I should plan to die within three years.  I am inspired by friends who live on practically nothing (love you, Judy) and my parents who raised six pretty great kids on practically nothing (love you guys too!)  So I'm pretty sure I can cut way back in lots of ways and still have fun.  When I run out, it's time to sell the Maui house.

I am finding out that I am capable of managing what life throws my way.  Thankfully I have a sister and friends who have kind ears.  I'm learning that I love to learn.  Especially computer skills.  Being a single parent of young 30-somethings who are ten years behind the curve is challenging, yet we are all figuring things out.  They don't live the way I would like them to but it's not my life to live.  I'll do things my way and they can do theirs.  I feel useful with my volunteer choices.  I'm happy that I can change my lifestyle and be healthier.  (Weight Watchers tomorrow!)

Mostly I still miss the little day to day things.  Sharing a meal.  Having help to make the bed.  Going grocery shopping together.  Stopping for afternoon coffee.  Going to music in the park.

Just miss him.

FOUR AND A HALF ....

Almost a teenager!

Braeden is a hoot!  He is still in his camo phase despite our offerings of medical, firefighter, pirate and Indiana Jones.  His dream is to go to a gun show.  When he wants to watch a "shooting movie" I simply say it is too violent for your age group.  To which he replies ... Gramma. You worry too much.  I won't be a violent boy.  I'm a good guy.

He's attending several summer camps (finally old enough!) put on by our Parks and Rec department.  Outdoors at his favorite local park.  The first week was Castles and Dragons.  Each day is an art project (catapult (shoots paper wads), crown, shield, dragon scales (bubble wrap to pop!), etc.  During lunch a book is read to them.  On the last day of each camp week, a special adventure is planned.  Last week it was a puppet show.  This week is Treasure Hunters and a bouncy pirate ship arrives on Friday.

He's very happy to be there, 9:00 am til 12:30 pm.  We did get him switched to an earlier bedtime! Mom and Dad and Deacon still have a later schedule.  I built him a dinosaur nest on the floor in my bedroom, so he and I head in there about 8:30 or 9:00 pm.  We read or watch a gentle movie together (yes, me down in the nest ....)  About once a week he does need a nap.

I really love the day to day interaction with these two boys.  Each day brings me something new through them.

EXTENDED FAMILY LIVING

Earlier this spring, I decided I would like to live in Maui.  But I didn't want to sell my Lake Oswego condo in case I have to return for medical or health reasons.  When Ralph was diagnosed as terminal, we rented out the condo to some friends of our daughter.  Cale was Braeden's second Mom, watching him at least weekly while Kate and Jesse worked their crazy retail schedules.  I knew Cale and family were paying way too much for rent so we made them an offer they didn't refuse.

This time, Kate needed another bathroom and a bit more space so I offered them the chance to rent my condo.  At the same rate as their little apt.  After careful thinking (hmmm ... a landlord who is your Mom???) they decided to make the move.  They put my stuff in storage (after I just got the condo to my liking!) and made it their own.  We have a pool and a spa and two clubhouse rooms.

It is in a walkable location (less than a mile) to 14 restaurants, 5 city parks, grocery store, library, post office and a Rite Aid.  Two blocks to a bus stop.  It is just perfect for their young family.  We also had two bikes so they have access to those.

We've been living together since May 20.  Two months without one cross word!  I have my "hotel suite" in the third bedroom which we used as an office (and the furniture is still in there).  I invested in a fold out chair that becomes a Twin XL with a posturepedic-style mattress AND a 3 inch foam topper.  I also had to get a portable air conditioner since Oregon decided to have three weeks of over 90 degrees.

My door is always closed and even 16 month old Deacon knows to knock.  Usually I let them in but when I am out of sight, I'm often out of mind.  After living without children and pets, sometimes the normal life of a family with young boys is too noisy and busy for me.  So I can escape to my personal space whenever.

They do 90% of the cooking and cleaning and laundry and grocery shopping.

My life is pretty good!

I'm B-A-C-K!

Six weeks has made a big difference.  I think my main problem was the pain in my knees.  Believe it or not, I got in to see an orthopedic specialist last Thursday (usually takes MONTHS!!!) and after looking at my xrays from June, pronounced it is indeed time for replacements.  Both knees!

The constant pain, and my feeling like I was just being a WHINER, took a toll on me.  He said he was surprised I was not using a walker (I do lean on the grocery cart for that reason) and immediately gave me a cortisone injection in my right knee.  Surgery for the left knee should happen in 4-6 weeks.  Wow, what a difference being half pain free is!

Some pals joined Weight Watchers with me so I can start to get rid of this excess weight.  Down four pounds in two weeks and I'll be so happy if I can lose one pound a week .... for the rest of the year.

Now I am thankful I am living with my kids.  Besides the built in companionship and the love of little boys, I have the help I might need after the surgery.  Jesse is going to put up grab bars in the guest bathroom.  They already do all the cooking and cleaning (even laundry, although I enjoy the folding and organizing).

Such a relief to know I will be getting some relief!  I never knew arthritis could degenerate my joints so quickly.  Wish me luck!