SEPTEMBER 11, 2014

What vivid memories I still have of this day.  I keep myself far removed from wars and how other countries treat their people because I don't know how to help.  But when they bring their evil to my country and my people, it hurts.

Mr. Ralph was trying to make some stock trades and was cursing the computer when they wouldn't go through.  I was watching the Good Morning America show.  I just started crying.  Hard to explain to our teenaged daughter.  

It is hard to believe it has already been 13 years.  In some ways it seems like last year.  In others, it seems ancient.  Several friends had happy memories of that date ... until this tragedy occurred.  Birthdays and wedding anniversaries.  First dates and engagements.  All now seem overshadowed.

I am so proud to be an American.  

10,425 PAINFUL STEPS

Last week I got a pedometer.  And started an Arthritis Foundation approved "Walk with Ease" class.

Yesterday I walked 10,425 steps according to my little buddy.  All this time I thought I was sedentary.  I was aiming for 5,000 steps a day and figuring I'd have to take a 3 mile walk every day to reach that goal.  It's definitely a new habit to remember to put that thing on.  But yesterday I did it first thing in the morning until I went to bed.  A lot of the steps are right here in the condo!  Which isn't that big!!

I'm pretty sure this freebie is not as accurate as a FitBit or other expensive high tech toy.  It probably overstates but it IS something to remind me to move around more.  Since I'm competing with myself, it works well enough for me.

My favorite brother-in-law is a doctor who told me that it won't make the arthritis worse or progress faster if I walk.  He also said that whatever movements bother me the most are probably the thing I should do more of.  Stairs!  So every day I climb a few flights.

What I was hoping for is less pain.  That maybe walking a lot every day would building muscles around my knees and hips so that walking wouldn't hurt so much.  I take ibuprofen daily now (otherwise I would scream as I walked ...) and lately I take it twice a day.  But yesterday was bad.  Regardless of the week of intentional walking.  At bedtime I took another dose of ibuprofen AND two Alleve.  This morning feels better.

Last night my buddy invited me to walk up for ice cream.  I wanted to spend time with her (and for some reason, ice cream sounded really good!) but I explained it was a kneesle day and I just couldn't walk.  So we drove and each had an old fashioned hot fudge sundae.

I've decided to find an arthritis specialist or a knee doctor.  How do I know when it is time to give up daily over the counter stuff?  What is the next line of defense?  Prescription arthritis relief?  Cortisone injections?  Replacement?

Both of my tiny homes were chosen for WALKABILITY.  Never in my life have I lived some place where I could walk to my destinations.  Now that I have this dream ... I can barely walk?  Nope.  Not gonna take that for an answer!!

Stay tuned!

I DIDN'T COME HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS

All of these blogs are just me, venting.  Some happy, some sad, some angry, some funny.  None of them are sponsored by anyone and are able to be read by everyone.

Unfortunately, feelings have been hurt.  Friends and family are not always happy with me.  I do not protect anyone's identity although some blogs don't mention any names.  And although I started just blurting out my feelings and my thoughts, I had no idea that I would make friends!

YES!  There are people who read this blog besides the mandatory family members and close friends.  Mainly they are fellow widows who inspire me, encourage me and continue to tell me I am not crazy on this ridiculous grieving journey ... and that whatever is happening, it is OKAY.  No matter my dilemma or concern they always tell me it's normal ... part of the process.  Good friends.  Great widows!

I have been fortunate to meet one blogger in person.  Time Goes By author lives right in my condo complex.  She is busy and active and intellectual and has gotten me involved in the development stage of 3 Rivers Village. We are not friends, but friendly.  (I don't think she takes time for friends).  

I'm also paying it forward.  After being encouraged by The Misadventures of Widowhood when I first found her blog, I am making myself available to friends and neighbors who are interested in blogging.  A few weeks ago three of us met in our Clubhouse for a two hour session.

This blogging hobby is just perfect for me!

STRIVING FOR HAPPINESS

Today is one of those days where I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps.  I just woke up with a feeling of sadness.  And I gave into it for an hour or two.  But it's a sunny crisp day with a high reaching almost 90 degrees.  I decided to put my sadness in my pocket and get along with the day.

I can't believe I'm going to say this ... but taking a walk helped a lot.  Not a brisk walk even (kneesles today as well) but a gentle 20 minutes of wandering around.  Fortunately, a few neighbors were out and about so I made myself approach them and chat.  That wasn't in my comfort zone yet I survived and feel more human because of it.

Now I give more thought to how I treat people and howI react in different situations.  I can take the time to give compliments, listen carefully, and smile more.  The more I practice, the less work it becomes.

Small accomplishments continued.  Made the bed, cleaned off the patio of army men and a tub of water and boats and little boy goggles, and emptied the outdoor storage shed so my handykid can build some shelves to actually FIT my storage.  Emptied the dishwasher and started the last load of laundry.

I have a Maui friend arriving tomorrow afternoon so I straightened the bed and ran the swiffer.  Of course, they have to scoot around the baby Play n Pack and containers of toys, but all in all it's worth the daily rate!  Unfortunately, they have to depart Tuesday morning in the EARLY morning so I can't skip my Walk with Ease class.

I'm beginning to see happiness as a "choice" most days.  Not something to be chased or bought.  But something to invest a little effort in.  It will never replace my grieving but it allows me to carry on.

WHAT a WIDOW DAY!

Wow.  Now that was a day!

I had a morning meeting (financial people again) in downtown Portland.  With all the summer construction, school back in session and a new bridge being built ... I gave myself plenty of time.  Also had to look for parking.  Right off the bat my day was joyous as there was a parking place right in front of the building!

Although the cost is still astronomical, I sure was more impressed with their presentation and explanation.  Next phase is to meet someone I will actually be working with since this guy was the salesman.  Very convincing!  And my Schwab guy mentioned that he was bringing his mother to this company!!  SOLD.

To celebrate the great morning, I went to a Starbucks drive thru ... where the person in front of me paid for my coffee!  I've done that a few times but have never been the recipient.  Another great big smile.

Onward to Bed, Bath and Beyond for hand towels and wash cloths for the guest bathroom as my Maui buddy and her hubby are heading my way.  The lady in front of me gave me some of her 20% off coupons!  Gee could this day get any better?

Most everything I wanted at Whole Foods was on sale (that NEVER happens).  Sushi lunch was delightful and inexpensive.  And the evening was capped off with Happy Hour dinner on the outside patio of a great place, with three condo dwellers.

Life really is good.

P.S.  Why didn't I buy a lottery ticket?????

SIXTEEN MONTHS OF WIDOWHOOD

September 2, 2014.  Yesterday marked 16 months since my guy got his wings.  I still miss him like crazy.  I'm always amazed how I feel on each monthly missing.  I try to take a few moments to remember and love ... and know I'm able to survive without him physically here.  

I'm a little jealous of my widow friends who have dreams about their missing man.  I've only had one.  And I wish I would have more.  Every time I see Braeden's face, at a certain angle, he looks exactly like his Poppa.  He usually has a few comments about Poppa every time I see him.  I wish Poppa didn't die.  Do you think Poppa remembers me?  Do you cry for Poppa?  Out of the mouths of babes.

Kate encourages me to let him see me cry and to tell him why.  Emotions are normal parts of being human.  And somehow I always manage to end on a fun, positive note about his infamous Poppa.  How can he remember so much when Poppa left before he was three?

It's just another miracle, in my mind.  That man will never be forgotten!

APP OF THE MONTH

I sure like apps if the program is something I can really use.  I've almost named all of the ones I use frequently.  But let's see ....

1Password.  At first I didn't really consider this an app as it is on my laptop.  It is a program that saves your passwords AND will even create crazy long passwords for you.  Then every time you go to a website where you created an account, you click on the "key" on your tool bar, it calls up that user name and password, plugs them in and voila!  You are in!

All you need to remember is the ONE master password.  Then the rest of the passwords are safely stored.  I don't understand how they keep the info safe, but my highly technical nephew recommended this program when I was at my wits end trying to change passwords when Amazon and someone else BIG were compromised.  

Of course, being the skeptic that I am, I still write the important ones down in a safe place (and put them in my safe) (which my executor knows).  If memory serves me correctly, this program did cost $50 but gosh is it worth it!

Now.  To figure out how to use it on my iPhone!