RAINY, DARK and DREARY

Today in Lake Oswego, Oregon it is chilly and dark.  Rainy and windy.  I have to admit I kinda like days like this once in a while.  I get to wear long sleeves and sweatshirts.  Sox and shoes.  Even a raincoat.  But I think the reason it's not depressing is that I know I have a sunny clime to enjoy.

Hmmmm ... wonder if there is any advice from the rain?

APP OF THE MONTH

Yikes!  Sorry I'm late with another app that I like.  It's called If Found +.

This app allows you to create your own locked home screen.  With information on who to contact IF your phone is lost.  I keep my phone locked so if someone found my phone, they could not get into my Address Book to find someone labelled MOM to call and return it.

It is pretty easy to use and free.  I change mine depending on whether I'm in Oregon or Maui.  Remember to ask the person if you can use them as an emergency contact ... so if a stranger calls to say they found a hot pink iPhone under the table at a restaurant .... they kinda have a clue!

WITHOUT HIM

I just simply agree with Braeden.  I want Poppa back.

Now that the one year mark has hit, a few friends are asking me about dating.  Honestly, I don't think I will.  Maybe after a few more years or months or weeks, I'll change my story but for now, I'm just not that interested.  My mind is simply not ready.  My heart may never be.  My body?  Well, it's possible to be self fulfilled.

Actually I'm not very gung ho about any intense friendship right now.  Having good friends takes being a good friend.  And that takes time and energy.  I'm sorta happy with the "good" deep friends I have (very few) and lots of friends for different reasons!  This third or fourth circle of friends fills my need for socializing, sharing book reviews, visiting new restaurants (especially ethnic as Mr. Ralph had no interest in that!), talking food and wine, taking short trips, going to movies and all my other shallow-self activities. 

Philosophy and politics and religion and deep thinking is, in my humble opinion, for those close to me.  The world doesn't need to know my way of thinking unless I am using it to make a change.  Right now I have more fluff on my mind!

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Oh.  My.  Goodness.

Yesterday afternoon I got my hearing aids.  I am amazed at how much I was missing.  I could hear the rain.  I could hear the microwave beep.  I could hear my phone set to vibrate ... from across the room.  I could understand the TV.  What an experience.

Even more exciting because of how hi tech they are!  I have a remote control (well, now it is an app on my phone!) to switch to different hearing programs ... lessen the background noise so I can focus on the people at my table in a restaurant (tested last night), TV mode to help distinguish consonant sounds (you can make a vowel sound louder with your voice ... but not "th" for example) as well as regular and what the audiologist called "the spouse button" where you can turn the aids off!

I spent the whole rest of the day marveling at the smallest things.  When my friends came over to have a glass of wine before going out for dinner .... I could hear them pull in.  I could join in the conversation in the car even from the back seat! I understood all of the daily specials from the soft spoken waitress.  

But since I like my coffee before talkie ... I will still enjoy my s-l-o-w morning routine before putting them in.  

Maybe the reason some people have a hard time adjusting is that they waited too long to get help.  It is a lot of processing when you can hear the dog's toenails on the hard flooring or someone turning a page in a magazine.  Right now I'm enjoying every little creak and groan and being able to hear the dryer beep when the clothes are finished.

It's crazy!  No one seems to be whispering any more

OUR POPPA PARTY

We had to commemorate Mr. Ralph's death day.  Kids weren't up to getting out of town to sprinkle his fairy dust and by the time we did get together, it was cool and windy so we didn't sprinkle at all.

Braeden and I had the day together.  We talked about Poppa a lot.  I drove him to Poppa's favorite donut shop ... and let him have one for breakfast!!!  Of course, I have to tell you how much Poppa LOVED donuts.  I think he ate one every day.  He would find any excuse to buy them "for the office."  When the company was no longer struggling, he would send someone to get 6 dozen with company petty cash rather than our own.

One of Braeden's favorite memories (that we keep ALIVE) is Poppa sharing his donut with little baby Braeden, who was just beginning to toddle around.  He would alway head over when Poppa had something to eat because it was usually something sweet.  After one or two baby bites, I'd reprimand Poppa to stop giving the baby so much sugar ... his body is much smaller so a little goes a long way.  He would wait until I was out of sight ~ and sneak him another bite!  I'd rush in and say "no no no, Poppa!"

Now Braeden will try to con me into giving him some form of SUGAR by saying Poppa would sneak it to him!  I then have to point to the sky and say "no no no Poppa!"  It's a hoot.

Last night, after take in Thai food, we put a candle in a donut and sang "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" (twice).  And let Braeden (and Mommy and Daddy) eat as many as they wanted.

SURVIVAL STATISTIC

Today is the one year mark since the death of Mr. Ralph.  

Yep.  The day (actually 7:30 in the morning) after my birthday.  The six of us "rock stars" had a pizza and wine and pastry party all around his hospital bed.  

They brought balloons that we tied to the hospital sides.  He didn't say a word, of course, but I swear he was smiling!  He was never one to miss a party.  I'm so proud of our friends for just being normal the entire journey of his death.  Lots of touches and conversations ... he was a touchy, feely, hugging kind of guy.

Every morning I would get a text asking how things were going.  When I finally had to say those dreaded words, all four of them came over to be with me.

We set his balloons free ... off his pride and joy back lanai in Maui.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Yep!  Another year bites the dust.  Today I made it to 62 years of age.  Who knew?  I'm looking at this as a brand new start.  Last year really sucked.

I have not mentioned on this blog that for the past 10 years my only child has been an addict.  She took herself to a month long rehab in 2009 but honestly, a month is not enough to help these people.  Last February, she took herself to the emergency room where they soon took her by ambulance to a larger hospital.  Big time pancreatitis, liver issues and a cyst on her ovary.  From 11 days in the hospital she made her way to a three month facility.  So while my husband was dying, my daughter was trying to live. 

Hard as it was, I made the decision to stay with Mr. Ralph and he wanted to stay in Maui.  We honestly had done all we could do to try to help her for the past decade.  But it had to be HER rock bottom, not what we thought should have been rock bottom.  We did all the wrong things that parents usually do.  This recovery had to be her own hard work ... with all the rewards going to her.  Doubly hard when a baby is involved.

I'm proud to say she's been clean and sober since Feb 13, 2013.  She got permission to talk to her Dad whenever she needed to.  His last spoken words were to her ... I love you and I'm so proud of you.  She also wrote him a four page letter that arrived in time for me to read it to him.  Pretty good closure, all things considered.

Just had to get this off my chest.  Start my new year off with a totally clean slate.   2014 can only get better.  I am thankful for simply surviving.