INDEPENDENT INDIVIDUAL

Leave it to Stevie.  She puts such a positive spin on things ... especially for everyone else!  She deserves the positives more than any of us.  While I named my blog The Awkward Widow, today she called me The Independent Individual.  Not Suddenly Single.  Not Black Widow.  Not a Bereavement Blond.  An Independent Individual!!

Now I have a lot to live up to.  Independent Individual.  In the past I’d always considered myself “independent” but after losing Ralph, I realize how dependent on him I’ve been.  Having a sidekick made me braver.  It got me out of my comfort zone as I knew there was a snuggly place to land.  These days my stomach is on edge a lot of the time.  I have to force myself out of the house.  I have even learned to invite myself sometimes!  (People need to be brave enough to say NO if they really don’t want me along!!)

Individual.  The past few months I’ve been working on my relationship with Grief.  It’s an interesting journey.  It is very individual.  Some widow friends have not cleared out their husbands clothing after three years  (my house is tiny and I had the excuse of new closet installation to hurry me along).  Some widows are out and about with men friends after a few months.  We are all individuals doing this our way.  There is NO right or wrong.  There is no time limit on grief.

Some days it’s not so bad at all!  My good memories make me smile.  Other days, those good memories just make me cry all day.  The comfort food frenzy is really starting to show.  It’s up to me, myself and I to become an individual and take back my life.  

Thanks Stevie!  

MEOWI - Part 3

This will be the last segment on the meanspiritedness of my neighborhood.  

Ralph and I were snowbirds.  Each year spending more time in Maui than in Oregon.  But while we were away from Maui, we would let friends come enjoy our slice of paradise.  Usually it was one or two people at a time.  Once it was my sister, hubby and two college kids.  One friend needed to find herself and she stayed a month!  Usually it was just a week or two.

For some odd reason, sharing our delight ticked off the neighbors.  Our guests were not party animals or bad citizens in any way, so I am not sure what the beef is ... except a continuation of the cat issue.  While we were in Oregon we received a strongly worded, threatening letter from the HOA attorney telling us to "cease and desist" using our home as a vacation rental.

What?  We wrote back saying we were NOT using our home as a vacation rental, or any kind of rental, but if we ever did ... we would be sure to read up on the rules and regulations, County and subdivision.

The HOA president continued to push the accusations so this time we did hire an attorney.  We are not breaking any rules by sharing, even if some friends left behind their camping stuff, or snorkel stuff or partial bottle of nice liquor.  Since we did not ask for these items as part of the deal of using our home, it is not considered "rent" despite what this illogical man thinks.  And the County agent said their guidelines stipulate friends and family are perfectly okay.  It was worth the $3,000 to put this idiot back into reality.

Their basis that we were "renting" was a note taped on our front door to our cleaning lady (who didn't show up at her assigned time and our great neighbors, Bob and Paula, who kept an eye on our place while we were away, had left her a note saying she had to come within the next two days as our guests were due to arrive).  Someone (too bad I can't name names here ...) stepped onto our property, took the note and photocopied it to send to the HOA.  (Now you see why I have the cameras?  Trespassing and theft for starters?).

Long story short, we also met in person with the HOA management company reps and they agreed the president over stepped his bounds (after first defending him saying he was merely acting as a concerned home owner ... do you think I, as a concerned home owner, could incur such a legal bill with nothing but a note to a housecleaner?)

The good news?  The president was forced OUT OF OFFICE.  He was allowed to say he "stepped down" after all of his years of great accomplishments.  Whatever.  The end result is fantastic!

We then began the final phase of upgrading our landscaping, this time we tackled the front.  Since our back deck is in the blazing afternoon sun, we wanted to add a small sitting area in front.  For some reason, no one else has a front porch or deck or lanai ... we all simply sit in our driveways with cheapo webbed lawn chairs and folding TV tables.  And drag it all back into the garage.  I felt like a hillbilly!  We had approval from the HOA from a few months ago to build it.  During construction, we decided to increase the width of our driveway with stepping stones so that two cars would fit comfortably, side by side.

That's when we discovered that he was still on the Design Review Committee!  He wanted to put a stop to the whole process (even though he himself has stepping stones and rocks to widen his driveway!) which continued to sound like sour grapes to the remaining Board, the Committee and even the Management Company.

So the whole project was APPROVED by the new Board President!

Despite the glares of several cat people who live in close proximity, I enjoy the new front wine bar (or iced tea!) a lot!  I wave to everyone who drives by.  I talk to those walking their dogs.  I would talk to anyone walking a cat as well.  The kids next door enjoy my cabinet of kid stuff so my driveway always has chalk art.

We decided to go with rocks to deter cat poop and save the time, energy and money of having to mow (because by now, we were having to PAY someone to do it).  Each plant has it's own drip on the sprinkler system.  My water bill is now HALF of what it used to be.  This was a work of art (and lots of sweat equity ... 153 each of 75 lb bags of white granite) by many of our Maui friends as Ralph became too weak to finish his vision.  He did, however, enjoy sitting out and bossing Bob and Gary and Al and Chico.

Thanks Mr. Ralph!

My 29th Wedding Anniversary

Today, September 28, 2013 would have been our 29th anniversary.  Neither of us could have ever believed the time would fly so quickly.  Sure ... we had our ups and downs but together, the bad times seemed half as bad and the good times were twice as good.  I think that will be my motto as I muddle through this grief without him.  

Our adventure started at the Oregon Coast with a Justice of the Peace, my sister and his son.  Blue jeans.  Tears of joy to think I could find such love.  Our first anniversary was at the same condo with his wonderful Mom along with us.  One anniversary we celebrated on Oahu as part of a business trip.  Another in San Francisco with our good friend Heidi babysitting.  Our 25th on Maui and we flew our daughter Kate and her boyfriend over to help us celebrate.  Our best friend Eli and his daughter Tara (Kate's best friend from age 4 til Tara went off to elite boarding school for high school) also joined us.  Small and perfect.

We had almost signed up for a Road's Scholar trip to Scotland with my sister and her husband for anniversary 2013.  Ralph is of Scottish descent yet never in all his world travels did he make it there!  We had to decide months ahead so I made the unpopular call that his pain and inability to walk or sit comfortably for very long meant we shouldn't go.  Hindsight was 20/20.  I do hope to make that trip for him and spread a wee bit of his ashes on the Motherland.

I'm buying myself some fresh flowers.  Taking my best boyfriend (Braeden) out to dinner.  Celebrating between my tears.  A perfect pity party.  

MEOWI - Part 2

Using the only recourse available to us, we took the trapped cat to the Humane Society.  Several other fed up neighbors began to do the same.  The battle became intensified.  Any time a cat couldn't be found (temporarily), the angry owner accused one of the cat "haters".  If a cat was injured in a cat fight (yes, the screeching happens every other week ... and only at 2:00 am), the vocal opponents of free roaming cats were blamed for torturing the cat.

Because the Crazy Cat Lady is friendly with those on the HOA Board, no one would enforce the "reasonable" number of pets rule.  It got so bad that the President of our Homeowners Assn sent a five page letter to the Chief of Police (copy to Humane Society) accusing us and the others who complained (by name and address) of being terrorists, torturers and murderers of cats, etc.  He even had other neighbors sign this letter (most of whom had never even met Ralph or me!).  

Ralph and I were back in Oregon when this happened (I guess they thought we had our own cat mafia doing our dirty work) but the police went to EACH household named, read them their rights and then questioned them.  Of course, we were all horrified that a person could put lies and accusations in writing and we were all guilty until proven innocent.  Most of us went to attorneys for some kind of recourse.  The attorneys concluded the HOA Board was dangerously over the edge of sanity and advised us to just forget about the whole incident.  Any action could push this guy over the edge and into physical violence.  

Because neither the police nor the Humane Society would (could) do anything to the "terrorists" because we had not done anything illegal, the Board and snotty neighbors began reporting violations of the bylaws on the cat haters.  We were notified of "chattel" visible from the street. (We had rakes and shovels mounted neatly on the side of the house behind the fence ... but one inch was visible from the sidewalk, if you looked around the plumeria tree).  

We had an outdoor shower installed in our backyard ... which is an inch or two visible from the front sidewalk, if you stop and try to find it, so we had to seek design review approval.  Fortunately there are a few normal people on that committee!

The head of the HOA Board has a bare shower head visible from the street .... 

Others had to move hose bibs, trash can storage, dig up and move landscaping items, etc.  But ONLY those owners who disapproved of the cat mess in their own yard.  If owners complained about muddy cat prints on their cars, it was suggested they buy and use car covers.  We were also encouraged to get our own cat and join in the fun.

And yes.  It gets worse.  

MEOWI - Part 1

My little suburban neighborhood on Maui has a dividing issue.  Cats.  Free roaming, outdoor cats to be specific.  Mind you, we've always had a cat (or two) but they were kept indoors so that we could haul out their poop.  People on Maui think the rest of us enjoy hauling out their cats' poop.

We don't.

At our first Homeowner's Association meeting, 8-10 couples finally decided to bring up the issue.  Every week before we could mow our little lawn, we'd have to scoop up mounds of cat shit.  Yes.  Since there isn't any bark dust or sand right here, they just poop wherever they want ... except, of course, not their own yard.  We were one of the couples who complained (Ralph had cancer and could not be in contact with the urine and feces).  Three separate times the cats pissed through our screen door onto our tile entry.

The Crazy Cat Lady lives kitty corner from me.  She has FORTY cats.  Some are indoor only, some are outdoor only (with access to her garage).  Ralph and I were friendly with her and her best friend of 30 years who lives right next door to us.  We had lawn parties and went out for dinner as well as having them both over for a home cooked meal.  We tried working directly with Crazy Cat Lady (her term by the way) about the unhealthy remnants from her cats.  She suggested lots of natural ways to deter them.  Pepper all over the lawn.  Mothballs.  Special deterrent spray.  Citrus peels and spray.  None of them worked.  She even bought an electronic gizmo that was motion sensitive to scare them away.  It didn't work either.

At the meeting, after a few others outlined their problems with all the cats (estimated 400,000 free roaming cats on this island ... with Crazy Cat Lady and cohorts feeding them at their colonies), Crazy Cat Lady's feelings were hurt despite the fact that no one mentioned anyone by name.  Megan, her friend, became an angry vindictive woman who began to vandalize our yard.  Stealing our bird feeders (thinking we were using them to "lure" cats into our yard so that we could kill them).  Pouring molasses down our side of the white plastic fence that divides our yards (yes, it stains).  Putting peanut butter on the top of the fence.  And so on.  It quickly escalated into cat lovers and cat haters (although we are not).

I contacted every resource I could think of to get some help in convincing her (and others) to keep their pets in their OWN yards (or homes).  There are so many rules and regulations regarding dogs!  Why not for cats?  I tried our HOA (our bylaws say we may keep a "reasonable" number of pets).  I tried the Humane Society.  The Feline Foundation.  The County.  The Police.  The Board of Health.  Apparently the feline lovers on Maui have a LOT of money and many are afraid to address this out of control situation.

So I bought a live trap and took my first victim to the Humane Society.  August 2011.

FAMILY TIME

Kate and Braeden and I have enjoyed some pleasant, slow paced time together.  We play Mr. Potato Head as well as spend hours in water ... at the ocean, a borrowed pool or the wading pool in Gramma's back yard.  

He brings up his Poppa all the time.  My eyes get teary sometimes because I know how much Poppa would be enjoying watching this guy grow and learn.  He reminds me "be happy Gramma" and he talks to Poppa in the clouds.  What a joy!

He is kind and generous (I get a compliment almost every day ... Gramma, your rocks are pretty).  And he's pretty smart!  Each parent spends quality time with him.  He asks SOOOOO many questions!  I don't know how THEY are going to manage without him while he spends two weeks with Gramma!

Speaking of family time, my sister has invited me to head to Louisville from Portland.  Our four brothers still live around Columbus, Ohio and she is willing to drive there for a mini-family reunion.  A former Maui neighbors (who she has met) recently moved back to Alabama and we might just make the five hour drive to visit them.  Her son is in NYC and her daughter at Mt Holyoke college in Massachusetts.  LOTS of road trips so lots of chatting.

With all that in mind, I may as well join them for Thanksgiving!  Which happens to be the first day of Hannukah!  This might just be the best thing for my first holidays without Ralph.

Sorry! I've Been on Vacation!!

My house is filled with conversation, toddler jabber and children's animated movies these past two weeks.  Then my 27 year old daughter needed to borrow my computer so she could watch TV in bed (I told her not to bring hers ... enough to handle with an almost three year old on a 6 hour flight).  Having all this commotion is "vacation" for me after rattling around on my own for three months!

Kate loves Maui for perfecting a tan.  Oregon is NOT much for outdoor sun tanning, so she is soaking it up.  Believe it or not, I think this is her first year without a sunburn!!!  Typically we slather up with sunscreen (Braeden and I are still on SPF 50 ... Kate is on 8) and play in the pool.  Then Mom heads for the lounge chair and me and Mr. B go to the kiddie pool.  After three swim lessons, I can hardly keep him up long enough to breathe some oxygen!  The kiddie pool is about chest high for him so he is overly confident.  Several times, I've had to pull him up and remind him to keep his face in the sunshine for one minute.

He thoughtfully said "You sit still Gramma (pointing to the edge so just my feet are in).  Don't touch me.  I'm swimming."  But he meant business!