Tuesday, July 5, 2016

GOLD, SILVER or BLACK AS COAL

Many of my widow blog friends are facing the same challenge ... how to make new friends (and keep the old).  I've blogged about it many times.  No longer do we have jobs or kids or hubbies to help us find new folks.  We are on our own.

There are many hits and misses.  At my age, I probably rush friendships.  Sometimes after a few meet ups for coffee or wine or beach, I realize I don't have too much in common or sometimes I learn a fact (from them) that I can't abide.  One lady shoplifts.  One lady does all the talking and no listening.  One lady is too religious and is in conversion mode.  One gal is promiscuous.  One acquaintance I met at a coffee shop doesn't even drink coffee (or tea!)  One never has quite the right amount money to pay her share ... and never repays.  So I just find that I am "busy" if they contact me.


But the absolute worst is when someone talks smack behind my back.  To my friends that I have introduced them to!  Reminds me of Junior High.  I realize not everyone likes me.  That's fine!  Not every match is one made in heaven.  No worries.  But unless someone ASKS about a particular trait in me, no need to badmouth me.

If something I have said or done or failed to do bothers you, talk to ME.  Not everyone else.  I try not to speak ill of others.  Usually I will say you should form your own opinion!  Invest a little time and maybe you will form your own friendship.

To me, friendship includes loyalty and truth.  Telling me the truth even when it is hard on me.  Not just saying what I want to hear.  Being there when times are tough ... as well as when things are great ... that is friendship.  A call to check in even when you are busy with your own life.  

Burn me once, shame on you.  Burn me twice?  Shame on me.






10 comments:

  1. Wading into acquaintanceship is necessary, I guess, to tell who is qualified to be a real friend. Like you say, there are going to be 'discards'. Hopefully no backbiting, but those who do dig their own grave.

    My thoughts about gossip and triangulating - if sensitivity for the person being talked about is missing, then this is corrosive and self-indulgent. (This is what my family does in spades to build 'alliances'.)

    But if gossip and triangulating is done to gain perspective about someone you care about BEFORE taking the issue to them (if at all), then that's both cathartic and loving.

    Just saying...

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    1. True and I totally agree. I try to not be prejudicial ... but some habits or characteristics just don't jive with who I want to associate with. I have a GREAT friend who will occasionally give me a "nudge" ... have you talked with So and So recently? And then when I say no, she says give her a call or an email ... it's her story to share if she wants to!

      All in all, good good friends. Just not a BFF yet ... my Seester and my daughter although they kinda HAVE to like me!

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  2. Finding friends is so much like dating in our younger years. You at least get farther in the process than I do...your coffee dates, etc. I have yet to meet a single person outside of where we met which is usually the senior hall. I've talked to a few on the phone and discovered we would not be a good match. Sometimes I think I'm too picky but all the things you mentioned in your second paragraph would be deal breakers for me as well.

    Reading your last paragraph about what a friendship is makes me so sad that I don't have that in my life anymore now that my husband is gone.

    What ever happened to make you write this blog, if something did, it too will pass. To me, there would be two people to be cautious around---the original gossip and the one who repeated it to you because you really don't know if the second person put their own spin on what was repeated.

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    1. If memory serves me, it IS a lot like dating! I don't think you are too picky. And I don't think I am too picky!! Ethics and morals are biggies. As well as a good sense of humor!!

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  3. At least you all are trying to form new friendships. I gave up on that a few years ago. I trust everyone too much and usually fall in "like" the minute I meet someone. I can remember 6 years coming home and telling Fred, "I just met out new neighbor. Her name is Darlene and I think we are going to be best friends!"Yeah. well, we all know how that turned out. LOL I guess I am selfish, but I don't feel I need or want new friends. I would come to resent the phone calls and intrusions.

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    1. We think a LOT alike. I rarely answer my phone ... I prefer text or email as first choice. It feels like I'm interrupting when I call.

      I fall in "like" too easily as well. But I'm learning. And, since I really DO like my own company (and the quiet), I don't require much social life!

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  4. I don't mind spending time alone, but I really would like to make a few new friends... or at least meet my neighbors. That's the one thing I wish was different about my neighborhood. It's hard to meet people. There is no recreation facility where people meet for occasions or anything that would bring the neighbors together except for an annual HOA meeting. It's a small neighborhood. I've started walking up to people and introducing myself when I see them outside. I agree that it is hard to find a good friend, to get the right fit.

    I

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    1. I enjoy having friendly neighbors and acquaintances. I can borry a cup of sugar or a glass of wine at either home. And I can always find a ride to or from the airports!!!

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  5. My best friends all live some distant away and even across the country -- locals either died, moved away, or both. Had a lot of years before my husband died where I didn't have time to make new friends as never imagined the challenge it would be in the future -- never had been in my entire life. I've joined interest groups, but no one socializes other than in the actual gatherings, so I finally decided to heck with it. Seems to be a common widow issue based on bloggers comments I've read the past ten years.

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    1. I think it is a common retirement "thing" ... and more so for widows. I can't even find an interest group! I don't have any hobbies ... and when I think of one to maybe try ... I talk myself out of it! Computer and cooking! That's about it.

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