Sunday, May 1, 2016

ABSORPTION. ADJUSTMENT. ACCEPTANCE.

Grief.

Who knew?  I sure did not understand how deep it could go.  That it lasts forever.  That there is no "other side".

May 2 marks the third year since Mr. Ralph died.  Of course I miss him every minute.  Usually it's great memories and occasionally, so sad.  He would sure be loving this life he gave me.  I don't have a green thumb and I'm sure he's tsk tsking about me not fertilizing more and hand watering his babies that need more than the sprinkler system provides.  Soon I'll have to have the watering system come on twice a day ... summers are hot and bright.

Inside and out, I think I am adjusting to my new normal just fine.  I continue to make friendly acquaintances and have a small tight knit circle of friends.  Most of them understand I love my alone time.  Me and my computer, with the TV going in the background.  I'm okay with eating out by myself (except dinner for some reason) and I'm getting better at doing the inviting.

I've accepted my life as a merry widow and am not quite so awkward any more.  Often I can talk about him without crying.  I'm still very happy with my decision to not remarry.  Even though I hear the third time's the charm!  I had a pretty happy ten years the first time and almost 30 the second time.  I do miss the hugs.



It's a whole new chapter of ME.

9 comments:

  1. So utterly true about grief, the new normal, the whole new chapter. I didn't realize your birthday and Ralph's death coincided. Crappy timing...
    Here's to you, AW. Glad you were born and are with us!

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    1. I published before midnight ... death day is really May 2. We had a party, the six rock stars, all around his hospital bed. He loved it. We tied balloons to the rails and we ALL swear he smiled at our jokes. He just didn't want to miss a party!

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  2. Hope your sadiversary includes some good memories along with any tears that might fall. Each one gets easier.

    You are doing so well for the three year mark. You get out, make friends, find interesting things to do. But I see you as still searching for that sweet spot, that something illusive that all widows apparently must find to balance the past, present and future. Or maybe I'm just projecting my feelings on to you because I know still search. I'll quit 'talking' now. LOL

    May the rest of your day be filled with peace.

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    1. And from where I sit .... YOU are the one who finds interesting things to do. Thanks for always being there, Widow Sister!

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  3. I agree. Especially the hugs...and his voice and laugh...and smell. Time makes it a bit easier, but we will never forget and on the sadiversaries, there is always a deep sense of loss and some tears. It's okay.

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    1. It's definitely OK. Sometimes I cry when I hear a song, see a cloud, smell a fragrance. But haven't found anything that comes close to a hug!

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  4. You're an inspiration. I'm always amazed at how you collect friends and how much you do. Thirty years is a big chunk of your life. May the good memories always be at the ready. I'm sure there were lots of good ones with Mr. Ralph.

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  5. Sounds like you're coping as well as possible which is really what our partner's would want us to do.

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    1. Thanks. Coping is just about all we CAN do. At least I can smile and socialize as well as enjoy a hermit day or two each week! If I had internet, I could live on a deserted island ... with Facetime and email! I'm having a love affair with my laptop!

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