This is sometimes (often)(always) a difficult task. But I finally DID get up the courage to talk to a gal about where our friendship went wrong. I'm glad I did and we are (slowly) building a new friendship.
Two of my Maui friends were widowed ten years ago. Each of them grieved and commemorated in their own way. One is more lonely than the other. More sad. More depressed. And frankly had us all worried. Fortunately, she finally opened up to explain her loneliness, how it hurts to see other happy couples, and how she needed some smothering.
Now we talk (or text or email) every other day or so and she is taking steps to help herself. Including a little vacation! Splurging on some self care. I think friends are a special gift which take an investment of time and energy. While I do not have a BFF (well, my sister), I have different sorts of relationships with different kinds of people.
She was talking that she doesn't feel "part" of the F-Troop ... everyone is always talking about or passing around photos of their kids or grandkids. But really? One member doesn't have either! One member is estranged from all four of hers. Several do not even have grandkids. So it's definitely perspective.
She mentioned that she is shy and an introvert. Me too! I know I don't sound like that, but it is hard for me to make the first move. I never mention how many times I have shared my phone number and email address and never hear back. Same with Facebook after I've met someone in person and then find them there.
Part of friendship (while looking for one or two SPECIAL friends) is putting in the time getting to know more about them. Of course you are bound to find out things you don't enjoy about them as well. My motto is take what you like and leave the rest. If your list of cons outweighs your pros, then slowly stop responding to invitations. But if they are even, it's still nice (in my humble opinion) to do things that you both like to do.
Many of my blogger friends are going through this same stuff. Building friendships as a single woman, at our age, is hard to do. When I find another woman who finds it hard to have dinner alone, I do speak up! Easy to have a once a month dinner date ... and if you find a lot to talk about, more frequently!
Maybe I need to host a board game night ....
Board game nights would be fun. If I lived near I'd be there only here, it would have to be board game afternoons as not many of us drive after dark anymore. LOL
ReplyDeleteI can't picture you as being shy or an introvert. Introverts don't give out their phone number and host parties like you do. Funny how we all seem to see our selves differently than others do.
We have several ladies who no longer drive at night ... so maybe with finger foods in place of dinner!
ReplyDeleteI've learned that rarely does anyone invite or host much anymore. Or ever??? Once someone braves up ... it takes on a life of its own. Now we have another F-troop member who also hosts. AND another who likes to organize so we can meet for coffee (her apt is very small). We muddle along. I do still struggle to attend events where I only know one person ....
I'm thinking of going back on FB. My nieces want me to. I tried it a few years ago, but it wasn't for me. Maybe different now. Good on you for talking to a friend about your relationship. Sometimes it only takes getting started to get things back on track.
ReplyDeleteSome days I think of getting OFF Facebook. But I do love the photos. Maybe I just need to scroll past the junk!
DeleteMy buddy is just going through a rough patch of loneliness. Once we figured that out .... it put things in a whole different perspective. Even for her!
Organizing is something a lot of us don't like doing, especially as we age. But we still enjoy the going.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I had the same issue with reciprocation all of my entertaining life! Every year my sister and I would commiserate about this. Not sure WHERE we got the entertaining gene ... but we both had/have it.
DeleteNow it is just as much fun to organize a restaurant get together ... so I don't have to clean, shop, chop, cook and clean up!
We did have a pal who DID have a dinner party for 8 ... and afterward she said "I don't know how you do it!" A labor of love I guess!
DeleteI am also a shy introvert, but no one (except you now) would believe it.
ReplyDeleteI do believe it. Most of us ARE shy, but I make a conscious effort to be the one to speak first. I know how more at ease I feel when someone else talks first ... somehow we muddle through, eh?
Delete