COMMUNITY

Hospice is an amazing network of help and hugs.  Each month I get a newsletter which usually has an article of particular interest to me.  

This month the lead article is "Mourn the Small Community You Built."  It was filled with odd bits of information/insight.  I have been having trouble lately feeling sadder than what I expected.  (Not that anything can prepare you for losing 30 years of love).  I sure do miss him.

I miss him doing his part of our day to day living.  He loved puttering around in the yard.  Designing.  Building.  Planting.  Fertilizing.  Watering.  Pruning.  Puttering.

He was wise enough to put an individual drip watering system to each plant.  (I'm not that reliable!)  And I don't enjoy keeping up with the plants nearly as much as he did.  He designed and built the "fence art" as the morning sun reflecting off that white plastic fence would blind us as we enjoyed our morning coffee. 

He put up shelves and added door stops.  He kept the bikes humming along.  The TV and stereo sound system is a mystery to me.  How do I reprogram the garage door keypad.

The car was his domain.  Even though our car is 7 years old, Acura is very reliable.  But he was the one who remembered to have the tires rotated, the oil changed, the tune ups.  So of course, since his death I've had several incidents with the car.  All minor.  But when indicator lights come on I assume trouble and expense.  And once my key would not turn on the engine.

I've lost so much more than a friend and a lover.  

JOY

Joy is something I've been missing these past months.  I think part of me feels guilty for enjoying pleasure or happiness.  It's also more fun to share these fun feelings.  Mr. Ralph used to say "love makes the bad things half as bad, and the good things twice as good."  But I think for now I better simply enjoy good things .... even on my own.  Especially on my own since that's what it is.

Children bring me joy.  Imagine my surprise when my 10 year old neighbor came over for a visit!  Abbey is the oldest of three and is on the cusp of being a teenager (gee that happens so much earlier these days).  We settled in for a chat when Lily (8 year old sister) rang the bell.  After some snacks and chit chat, the girls had energy to burn.  I have two huge exercise balls that they love.  So we figured out how to add some air and they had a blast!  Me too!  For almost three hours.  Mom came out to chat a bit as well as to invite me to "sunset night" tomorrow, where they head down to our closest beach to enjoy some free unadulterated joy.  

Mr. Ralph loved the kids as well.  He was a very good sport wearing pink and purple (I think he lost a bet).  Very confident in his manhood!  After he was dressed, he had to do a "glamour model walk" up and down the sidewalk.  What a hoot!

Apparently the kids love coming over here as much as I enjoy having them.  When little brother Alex (6) came home from a play date ... he was mad that he didn't get to come play!  So we'll have a guy date soon.

OPTIMISTIC

It's mostly mind over matter, I know.  Lately my emotions have paralyzed my mind so I am now making a concentrated effort to overcome the captivity.  No woman left behind!

I forced myself to tell a few friends how sad I have been feeling lately.  And the phone rang.  After an hour of simple chit chat, I did feel better!  And the phone continued to ring.  Unsolicited!  Which made me remember to call a couple of my friends who are finishing their journey here on earth.  Even though I did not speak to either of them, one husband got a tele-hug and some kind words and I left a cheery message for the other.  Every little bit helps.

Gave myself an "A" for social life.  Next I got a few chores done that I had been procrastinating.  As a reward for that, I granted myself time to do something fun ... putting together and sending a little care package to Kate and Braeden.  I even made it to the post office and got it sent.  Honestly, this is the MOST I have done in a day ... for weeks.

Now I understand I just MUST make myself do things, even though I don't want to.  Eventually I may start to enjoy doing them again.

I sure hope so.

HAPPY

Despite the tone of this blog over the past couple of weeks, I really do have a million happy memories.  It all began in 1982 ... when Mr. Ralph had a business brainstorm in the shower.  And made it a reality.  I volunteered to do secretarial work (after my regular job).  The rest is history!

It was a pretty fast courtship (we had each been married before) and we were married in September 1984.  We went to the Oregon coast with my sister and his son as our witnesses.  Blue jeans and sweaters.  At sunset.  Very casual and very low budget.

Kate arrived in May 1986.  My first and only child, his second daughter and third child.  And the years flew by building our own little family traditions.  (My family is in Ohio and his in Indiana.)

He traveled a lot for business, and with a kidlet and no family sitters nearby, I didn't travel with him until she was out of the nest.  But starting in 2004 I led the life of a princess!  Mr. Ralph was pretty much a workaholic so I had to impose one condition.  We had to spend at least TWO NIGHTS in each hotel.  (Yes, he was known for a flight, a taxi ride, a meeting, a hotel, a taxi and a flight ... for two weeks at a time)(Not my idea of fun).

Europe.  China.  Australia.  South America.  And best of all, there were built in tour guides (wives of his Regional Sales Managers with whom he was working) for me during the day.  Fabulous business dinners every night.  I bought something to use as a Christmas ornament from each city.

Unfortunately, when we downsized Mr. Ralph took that box to Goodwill.  Gladly I have happy memories.

EMOTIONS

The diagram above is just perfect, in my humble opinion.  It is so simple yet covers all the basics.  We can all think of additions to each section yet the main ones are there.

What I've noticed about myself during these first six months of widowhood is how I have become stuck in the bottom half.  Not the angry part so much.  But yellow and blue for sure!  It seems like the more I dwell here, the more stuck I become.

Yes.  I know LOTS of things I can do to help the "feel good" hormones reach my brain.  Right now I am feeling paralyzed in scared and sad.  Sad with good reason ... scared without much reason.  Just afraid of the unknown mostly and timid without my sidekick.  

Fortunately family and friends (especially new friends who are also widows) remind me that time does help.  I try not to whine too much because who wants to listen to that (very often).  Hopefully I'm making headway.

I'm looking forward to optimistic again!

GRATITUDE

November is the month of remembering what we are thankful for all year.  Expressing an attitude of gratitude.  I’m going to join in.

I am thankful for fresh, strong, hot coffee first thing in the morning.  I love ending my day with a glass or two of red wine.  

Sunshine every day is something to appreciate.  Living in Maui for a year is a treasure I will never forget.  Getting to spend 30 years in Oregon (so far) has been fun (and damp).

I am grateful for becoming a mother (better late than never).  My daughter is my pride and joy.  Just one rung above my grandson!

And I am most thankful to have met and fallen for Mr. Ralph.  Who knew those 29 years would fly!

PATIENCE

PATIENCE

This blog isn’t for everyone.  Including me, at times.  I have always been in control of my emotions....until now.  Honestly, this pain and anguish has taken a toll.  

Yesterday I had a great day.  I accomplished quite a few tasks, planned a bit for my future and had a social engagement.  The tenseness in my shoulders eased up. I felt happy.  Today I’m anxious and blue.  It’s noon and I’m still in my pj’s.  I hate this pendulum.

Lately I’ve been worrying about EVERYTHING.  Maybe being alone increases concerns about things I used to take for granted.  Like locking (and checking twice) doors...including the one between the house and garage!  Did I pay that HOA charge?  Will I have enough money on which to live?  When was the last oil change?

This crazy part of grief needs to taper down.  I know, I know it’s not this intense forever.

But I don’t have a lot of patience.