WEEPING WIDOWS

I'll be the first one to admit this second year of being a widow was harder than the first year.  I think the first year is simply autopilot.  Honestly thinking it was all just a big mistake ... he's just on a business trip.

The second year is trying to figure out who I am without him.  Even though he was 18 years older than me, I never really thought about life without him.  He was in much better physical shape than me.  Which is why dying of prostate cancer (which most people diagnosed with end up dying of something else) sucks.  Fortunately for him, he had enough time and enough energy, to get his little Maui house together ... better than he expected.

This Maui neighborhood has about 110 homes.  Sidewalk on each of the three streets and the outer perimeter circle.  I do a walk about every other day or so and about once a week I park on the front lanai to see what's happening.  Today I met another widow.

She moved here in September.  Her husband died of a heart attack, at home.  Eight years ago.  We had a nice long conversation and exchanged email and phone numbers.  She's lucky enough to have a little Havanese dog named Jody ... which is how we met ... she was out walking her!  

My friends/neighbors/caretakers sold their house to another widow!  We all seem to be close in age so we may just start the Piilani Village II Widow Club.  Good to have mentors in this journey.

I wanted to use the graphic below but when I looked it up ....

A container of three REUSABLE actual rubber condoms!  

From the 1920's

SIXTY-TWO YEARS OF MISTAKES

My face is filled with visible damage and wrinkles.  And I love every single one.  Some days I feel like I remember earning each and every one.  Lots of days I feel like I should have a million more.

Family.  Friends.  Pets.  Neighbors.  Coworkers.  Retail clerks.  Servers at restaurants.  You name it.  

Maybe, like the Japanese filling in cracks with gold, this is why these are called our Golden Years?

GRAY, GREY, GRAYING, AGING

While doing a little research for my Village volunteer work, I learned about a new fear.  Gerontophobia.  A fear of getting old or a fear of older people.

WHAT?  Fear of old people?  There's a whole definition of this?  

I can sort of understand a personal fear of growing old. Especially if you have health issues and are slowly losing your independence.  Our hospice nurse told us about a class seminar all the hospice workers attended.  Each person got a sheet of paper with a circle in the middle and thirteen spokes going out from the circle.  They put their name in the circle then wrote down 13 basic daily or weekly things they typically do.  Eat.  Drink. Take a shower.  Drive.  Walk.  Hear.  Use the restroom.  Swim.  Visit. Speak.  And so on.

Lots of talking about what was considered a BASIC!!  The next step was to cross out three of those activities.  Could you still have a life that you would want to live?  Oh sure, probably. The rest of the basics would keep me going, because of course I picked the things that were easiest to give up (she says now ... while she doesn't have to give up any one of them)  Next they had to cross off three more.  And so on.  These helpers got to learn first hand how their patients might be feeling about their loss of independence.  

This exercise makes me think more about depression than fear about getting old.  But heck I get fearful some days if I let myself wander down that "what if" path of things that could go wrong.

GRIEF, AWKWARD GRIEF

We have a rainy, stormy day in Paradise today.  Yet it is still beautiful.  And warm.  My friend, neighbor and photographer took this photo on her morning walk.  Thanks Mieko!

Grey all day and constant light rain starting right after lunch.  Which just suited my mood.  Another tearful day.  Thankfully, it was a brief light cry then back to business.  It reminded me of another way to cheer up myself. 

Cooking!  I made, for the first time, hot and sour soup!  It was delicious, quick and easy.  Perfect comfort food in Maui.

TYPES OF VISITORS

I'm finally getting some visitors!  Hip hip hooray!  The best news is that all of my "live ins" are super easy to enjoy.  

My first friend arrives Friday evening.  I'm so flattered she is even coming as we are mostly Facebook friends brought together by grandkids.  We get together in person in Portland maybe once or twice a year.  It's her first visit to Maui (she has a week of work related stuff in Honolulu ... also her first visit there!).  We will get to do the tourist things.  An early morning snorkel trip, hoping for whales and dolphins.  Lots of time in the sun (she is from Portland!) and in the hot part of the day, we'll do a little road trip to see the other views that Maui offers.  And sunset from a different beach.

All the rest of my company has been here before and are very independent.  I am comfortable joining in their plans.  Or not.  But I don't have to make any plans!  Just four nights with John and Lindee.  Then a week with my niece, Tahlia.  I hope she brings a friend.  She is 21 and I know they will want to be way more lively than I am.

My funny sister sent this New Yorker cartoon to me ... asking if this will be us in 20 years.  HA!  I feel like this now!!!

Then my funny sister will be here!  Gosh I love it when she comes.  So energetic and a fabulous, healthy cook.  I think I need to live with her for a year ... I'd be just a memory of my former self!

April and May are open if anyone wants to visit!  

LADY FRIENDS

Do you believe males and females can be just friends?

This was a topic for conversation several times in my marriage.  Both marriages.  One husband thought no problem!  The other .. very uncomfortable because he did not think it was possible.  Maybe because we were friends (with sexual tension, I suppose) first. 

Now I notice that even more.  I have two male friends.  My UNson-in-law and my buddy from 25 years ago, Eli.  Eli's daughter and our daughter were the best of friends for many, many years.  When he and his wife divorced, we stayed in touch with both of them.  He is/was very comfortable being a threesome with us.  Weekly, almost.

For Valentine's Day this year I suggested to one of my South Maui Merry Widows that we should go to a romantic French restaurant in Lahaina.  So far we have EIGHT of us, and one husband willing to brave that harem.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned in my thinking but I'm not comfortable making friendships with a single man.  (Except Eli but he has a fabulous lady friend I adore).  I do not want sexual tension.  

I really do enjoy my lady friends!  With a group of fun and enthusiastic friends ...

Or just two buddies sharing wine and camaraderie ...

Or just one for coffee and conversation!

A CAT and A COMMA

Grammar.  Especially English grammar.  How does anyone learn all of this stuff?

Do you think they still diagram sentences in grade school anymore?  Prepositions, adjectives, nouns, articles, conjunctions ... sheesh!  These days I can't explain WHY something looks or sounds wrong, I just know it.  And how punctuation sure does change the way something reads.  We need a Special Victims Unit to find these authors and get them educated.

Years ago we came upon a book called Eats, Shoots and Leaves (by Lynne Truss) who obviously is more concerned about the death of our current grammatical state and improper punctuation.  It quickly became one of our favorites.  The author visited Portland and we went to listen ... and get signed books.  We bought quite a few of them ... for Kate, for Kate's English teacher, for the office where Ralph worked (he was always red lining for his professionals).

And that pause can change the entire meaning of a sentence.  The favorite example is:

A woman without her man, is nothing.

OR

A woman, without her, man is nothing.

See what a comma does for you?  It can be the difference between life and death.

Let's eat Grandma!

OR ...

Let's eat, Grandma!