THANKFUL

Yesterday was one of the best Thanksgivings ever, despite it being my first as a widow.  It was busy and fun and delicious.  And for that I am thankful.

There were just five of us but the conversation never stopped.  Nor did the food!  None of us have family within 3,000 miles so we had that in common.  My gal pal is at the tail end of a relationship (that is not ending well).  My guy pal is just starting a dating relationship but the new woman did not invite him to join her plans.  We could have been a very morose crew, but we were not.  

Some of my brothers emailed and my sister texted and emailed.  She's so thoughtful.  She asked what my favorite Thanksgiving memory of him was!  It is/was that he ALWAYS invited those who did not have family nearby.  Since there were just the three of us, it was great to have a houseful to share our feast.  We usually talked about favorite family traditions or foods that MUST be included.  It was always fun.  

We often had to rent dishes (I hate paper plates).  The GREAT part about renting?  You don't have to wash them!!!  Just rinse and stack in their handy containers and return them the next day.

Leslie made FOUR kinds of pie!  We had island purple sweet potatoes with garlic and coconut milk.  Roasted brussels sprouts.  Green beans with crispy shallots.  The BEST stuffing EVER (and I am a stuffing connoisseur).  Even the turkey was spectacularly delicious.  

Yes.  I made the veggie tray above (I later added eyes!) and that is our turkey line up.

I am thankful.

INSTINCT, INSIGHT, INTUITION, and INITIATIVE

My friend posted these four "Irish" I's on her Facebook page.  They grabbed me because they really apply to grieving.  My life at this point in time.  

INSTINCT:  My natural instinct is to curl up into a ball and let the world go by.  Maybe with time I can rejoin.  I am making a concerted effort to get out with other humans.  If someone invites me, I go.  I've even arranged a few things.  So far, it's not that much fun but I'm doing it anyway.

INSIGHT:  I honestly had no insight into grief until my husband died seven months ago.  Both of my parents are gone and I was sad and I miss them, but the loss was just not as great.  We were very close, talking several times a week and emailing almost every day.  Being a spouse is apparently closer ... emotionally as well as physically.

INTUITION:  So far, no helpful intuition has kicked in.  I instinctively knew grief would be sad and lonely.  I just had no idea it would be so devastating.  Eternally damaging to my heart.  And I had no clue that anxiety might enter into the mix.  Very weird.

INITIATIVE:  Most importantly, only I can take the initiative to survive this.  So that's exactly what I will do.

It's really a lot like a roller coaster.  I just can't see the end.

DISTRACTION

Besides getting a little exercise, I'm also getting a little busier.  Checking out recipes, making lists, going shopping.  My good friend (and gourmet gluten free, dairy free, egg free and cane sugar free cook) lands at 11pm on Wednesday night so I'm getting all her ingredients as well.

I love finding new twists on familiar recipes as well as new recipes.  And I usually do not practice them first!  Besides the fresh food, I spend a lot of time and thought in setting the mood in the house, especially a beautiful table.

I have to say I'm very very thankful to be hosting turkey day.  I'm probably spending too much time on each task but golly, I sure needed this distraction.  It's energizing me.

Taking my mind of my sadness.  That's a GOOD thing!

IT IS WHAT IT IS

Grieving and bereavement is a rather rough road for me.  It seemed to me to be getting worse instead of better.  I feel so numb and paralyzed, unable to make even the smallest of decisions.  So I asked for professional help.  This was a big step for me, strong and blonde.

Yesterday I saw a psychologist/counselor.  How do they know what kind of questions to ask?  We hit it off and and I'm going back in two weeks.  In the meantime, I have a little homework assignment.  Move my body for thirty minutes at least three times a week.  Honestly, I learned things (from the internet) that help ease sadness ... exercise, eating healthy, music, hobby, finding a new purpose, plan something for each day.  But I have not been able to get myself to do a single one. 

Today I walked!  How can a perfect stranger inspire this action?

I suppose going to school to get a PhD in counseling really helps him know what and how to ask.  And why I am not a good self counselor.  It just is what it is! 

25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME

From a Facebook challenge ....

February 7, 2009 at 7:18pm

PublicFriendsOnly MeCustomClose FriendsBishop Ready High SchoolSee all lists...Lake Oswego, Oregon AreaThe Lockhart FamilyBeing Braeden's GrammaColumbus Technical InstitueKihei, Hawaii AreaFamilyAcquaintancesGo Back

This was written almost five years ago ... updates are in blue!

I'm from a family of six children and my only sister is one of my best friends! She gets me.

Unfortunately, I am an addict. Addicted to computers, internet, e-mail and facebook. I spend WAAAAYYYY too much time with friends this way. It's kinda like being a voyeur. I can see what you're doing without bothering you!  (Geez, this is even more true today!)  So far I'm not into instagram or Twitter or Linked In or others.

I love to cook. I have too many cookbooks. I read too many recipes. I pack cookbooks on trips. I subscribe to too many food websites. My sister and I have been known to read recipes to each other. I trade recipes. I participate in email recipe exchanges. And I love watching the Food Network. I had to downsize over 100 cookbooks.  I wish I hadn't.  So far I can usually find my recipe on the internet!

I can take shorthand. Do they even teach that any more??  My favorite phrase to write?  I have not been able

I'm not very adventuresome when it comes to travel. I'm not a City Mouse and anyplace with over 50,000 people scares me. The past few years have challenged me to overcome this.  I'm even more adverse to travel now.  Who knew???  Although with the right person, I'd love to visit every National Park.  

For my 40th birthday I went to Disneyland. It really was a very happy place!!  A few years ago, Ralph and I went to Disneyworld ... but I prefer Disneyland based on my visits.  I hope to take Braeden (and family) in 2014 or 2015 for his birthday!

My favorite color is pink. Always has been, always will be. Any shade.

Secretly, I’d like to be a private detective. I love to do research. Who would ever suspect an almost 60-something frumpy plump old lady?  

Shopping at office supply stores is my idea of fun! I get such great organizing ideas … that I never use.

My favorite gifts have been technology rather than diamonds. I swoon over iPhone and new font packages and web apps and scanners and …. Oh!  And I love my laminator and my label maker and ...

OK. I admit it. I only watch James Bond movies because my husband likes them.  They are just unrealistic.  But maybe that's the allure ...

I’ve finally learned to enjoy sleeping in. We could sleep 10 hours or more very night. I guess we will not be the typical seniors who are up at 4:30 am and ready for the 4:30 pm early bird special.  I do still enjoy sleeping.  It's not as easy lately but this too shall pass!  Last night I got EIGHT restful hours and gosh do I feel great today.

I love eggs. I don’t care that they are high in cholesterol and fat and we should throw the yolk away. Hooray Nigella!  Probably explains why we have breakfast for dinner once a week.  I still enjoy breakfast for lunch or dinner.  Even love an egg with a large side of salad for dinner.

Complaining. I hate it. You can tell me once about a pet peeve or something (or someone) that really bothers you and I will patiently listen, most likely agree. But after that, please tell someone who can do something about it. Otherwise, it is complaining. I hate complaining.  Still true today

95% of all my shoes and purses are black.

25 years of marriage and I love him more today than ever. We are opposites in so many ways but being with him makes the bad things half as bad and the good things twice as good. (his words!)  Still true!

Maui is my favorite vacation place. As a corn fed girl from Ohio who was over 40 before I ever stepped foot on an island (well, except for Put In Bay in Lake Erie …), the warm tropical setting soothes my soul.  Ha!  Who knew I would get to LIVE on Maui!!!  A dream that I couldn't even dream came true.

I’m usually too happy. Almost Pollyanna-ish.  I can't wait to get my groove back.

"When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will."—Abraham Lincoln 

So I stand my ground.

There is no remarkable story to why my first name is JB. The “J” is from my first name, the “B” from my previous last name. But please help me with more of the smart aleck responses like – Jingle Bells, Just Because, Jelly Beans, Just Beautiful, etc.

As a child, until after high school really, I was shy.  I feel like an introvert lately.  Can't wait for this phase to finish.

Heidi was the first person to want to be friends with me first. And despite our vast differences and life experiences, (and age!) we still are. I’m her best fan!  Love you Heidi Belle

I don’t exercise. It’s starting to show. I need a pal who is overweight and out of shape who wants to start. Suzanne? Remember that year we walked???  And there is no "gee the weather is too bad to ..." excuse here in Maui.

Weight Watchers. What’s up with that? I don’t want to watch my weight, I want to get rid of some. But it really does work. It just feels like what I imagine chemotherapy feels like.  I did reach "goal" in 2006.  Time to get back at it.

I love when something makes me laugh out loud.  This doesn't happen too often, but it sure feels good every single time.  Braeden is really good at this!

I wish I would have finished college. And yes, I know it’s not too late.  Maybe writing!

ODD or EVEN?

Now I know I have too much time on my hands.  And I worry too much.  Not like I needed any reminders of either.

The Maui house has a king size bed.  Now that there is only one sleeper (or tosser and turner), I was thinking maybe just one side of the bed would show wear and tear.  So now I do even days on "my" side of the bed and odd days on "his" side of the bed.  Do you think I should rotate and sleep right in the middle?  Maybe that could be for naps!?

Once this world problem was solved, I had to institute the same wear and tear system on the sofa.  This is a bit more work than the bedroom as I have to move the remote controls from one end table to the other.  And my laptop cord.  As well as the box of tissues (I don't want to the house to look like an "old lady" house with boxes of tissues on every level surface).

Whew.  No rest for the wicked.

LINKED FOR LIFE

Memories are made when you least expect them.  Like a sunset.  No matter how many we shared, each one was different and spectacular.  Mr. Ralph loved taking photos so I have a million to jog my memory.  Even though I don't really need a photo to remind me.

He loved red geraniums.  And then any red flower.  Actually I asked our family and friends to plant a red geranium this past summer in his memory.  Now his memory lives on in their gardens or decks.  I have red New Guinea impatiens going right now.  

My favorite memory is something that I can hold and touch and wear.  He had a silver ID bracelet that he ALWAYS wore.  His name in Chinese on the outside, his name in English on the inside.  He had it made on his first trip to China back in the day when Americans were not welcome...he wanted to be sure his body would be identified.

As he got sicker and sicker he lost a lot of weight.  Our friend Bob noticed his bracelet was practically sliding off his wrist.  He is an artist and a silversmith and volunteered to remove a few links for him so he could wear it in a manly manner.

A few days later, he and Paula brought over a tiny jewelry box.

He fashioned a pendant and a pair of earrings from the links he removed.  And inserted my favorite gemstone, rhodonite.  It was mined in Oregon featuring my favorite colors.

According to my research (when I first fell in love with the stone):

Rhodonite soothes the nervous system. This gemstone vibrates with love. Just holding this gemstone promotes relaxation and brings a sense of well-being. This is a balance gemstone and is used to clear the psychic centers.  The healing properties of Rhodonite raises self worth and helps ward off negativity. It has been known as a "rescue stone".

Now I am linked for life.